What do you get when you add four fully functional car lifts, two incompetent auto mechanics and a nail in your friend's tire? Three hours in a Wal-Mart on New Year's Day, that's what you get. One may think that I would stop being bitter about such a seemingly insignificant inconvenience that occurred about a month ago. However, that one probably doesn't know me or how bitter and petty I am.
How can a six-minute patch job take three hours? Wal-Mart, that's how. I have to admit that I am not completely anti-Wal-Mart. After all, it is the only place you can get a toaster oven, pair of pants, tweezers, cereal, a television and a shotgun in one trip. For that, I applaud; for wasting my day and brutally squashing small businesses across the nation (but mostly for wasting my day), I boo. Not a sissy boo, either -- a hearty, Philly-fan-sees-Terrell-Owens-or-Santa-Claus-type boo.
When all was said and done, the worst part of the day was the fact that they only charged my friend six dollars for the repair. Six dollars? I was there for three hours! I would have felt better about the entire situation had it been a more expensive repair, but six dollars? Come on! I was thinking about offering to chip in for a larger bill just to make myself feel better about the whole experience. Six dollars? It's ludicrous. My time has got to be worth more than that (it's not).
So I decided to remove my old-school Nintendo system from the spot in which it has resided for about 20 years and take it to school. You know how there are always those things that you thought were awesome as a kid and try again when you are older and realize they kind of suck? Well, this is not one of those things. Nintendo is still every bit as incredible as I remember, if not better. The only drawback is that my Nintendo is one of those systems where you need to do a rain dance, call in a witch doctor and cram a VHS into the machine to have any hope of getting it to work. Then, once it is working, the screen will go fuzzy if somebody happens to sneeze in Albuquerque. It's very frustrating when you are whooping up on the Soviet Union with your ice hockey line-up of fat guy, medium guy, medium guy, skinny guy, and your neighbor decides to microwave a Hot-Pocket and the game explodes.
If ever there was proof of chaos theory, it is my Nintendo. A butterfly flaps its wings in Africa, my Nintendo decides to crash, ruining the many hours I spent earning Link various boomerangs and that raft you need to cross the river and get to the fourth temple. Also, I swear I don't really know if it's the fourth temple -- I don't even know if the levels in Zelda are called temples. I'm a loser, but not that much of a loser.
In addition to having Nintendo in my apartment, I now have a game which allows me to play Mortal Kombat II and III on Xbox. The more I play, the more I realize how absolutely ridiculous it is that I used to play this game when I was like 10 years old. Yesterday, I executed a move where somebody actually tore another person's skeleton out of his mouth. I used to think my parents were lame and overprotective for not letting me own (didn't stop me from playing) those games when I was little. Now, I question whether or not I'm mature enough to play them now. Yes, I've been having nightmares.
So the Super Bowl is this Sunday, and, apparently, it's a tradition for the governors of each state to place a friendly wager on the game. Traditionally, the wager is something that is indicative of the particular state. Apparently, Washington Gov. Christine Gregoire has wagered a bushel of Washington apples, while Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell has offered up various Heinz products with hot dogs. I feel this wager is lame. I would be much more interested if Gregoire got a couple of cisterns, one full of rain water, the other full of Starbucks Frappuccino. Depending on the outcome of the game, one team must drink the coffee, the other, the rain water. In addition, one of Eddie Vedder's flannel shirts from the old school Pearl Jam days has to be part of the bet. As far as what Rendell has to put on the table, I have no clue. I feel like the only thing of interest Pennsylvania has to offer is the Liberty Bell, and betting that on the Super Bowl might be a bit of an issue.
Well, it's been fun. Enjoy the big game. My prediction: Steelers 27, Seahawks 23.
Eric Ast's column runs bi-weekly on Tuesdays. He can be reached at ast@cavalierdaily.com.
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