I know Valentine's Day was last week, but I missed it. This was no accident, as every year I struggle to forget about the holiday. This is just the first time I actually succeeded. Something about having four papers due in a week probably helped.
Nonetheless, there are some people who deserve valentines that I forgot to give. And, since mail is probably one of the most complicated processes I've ever encountered, I thought it'd be easier just to print them here.
Here are my forgotten valentines of 2006:
Jason Cain
My love for you extends beyond mere fandom. I love you like a brother, because in a way we're related.
That's right. I've finally solved the mystery of why you always looked so familiar. Jason, it's time to learn who your real parents are.
You are the bastard son of Cavman and another mystery University figure, quite possibly University President John T. Casteen, III. He has a thing for men in felt.
Look at a picture of our illustrious mascot. Notice the similarities? The rugged good looks, that Chaplin moustache, a debonair smile and the striking ability to make fans want to cheer and laugh simultaneously.
There is far too much here for mere coincidence. Jason, you're more than just a member of Team Cavalier -- you're family. Happy Valentine's Day, JC. Say hi to your dad.
Baton Girl
Some people go to U-Hall to watch basketball games. I go for you.
Oh, how I long to be your baton. To be tossed into the air, spinning and twirling as I fall, but never scared because I know that in a few short seconds, I will again be ensnared by your loving grasp.
If you'll be my valentine, I'll personally find and destroy that effeminate jump-rope guy who selfishly tries to steal your glory. Halftime is for you, Baton Girl. And so is my heart.
Dick Cheney
You had the balls to celebrate Valentine's Day the way I always wanted to: by shooting an elderly man in the face.
Old people have been walking all over society for far too long, with their elitist Social Security and endless campaign to lower speed limits.
Finally, one (sort of) elected official had the guts to stand up and say, "ENOUGH!"
More than just a bold statement, your actions can be the basis for a new American sport. We all know hunting wildlife has gotten pretty stale -- it's finally time to start hunting the elderly. They're bigger than quail and almost as wily.
Richard, you've inspired me. No longer will I stand by and live in subjugation to the aged elite. Next time my Grandma asks me for help opening a jar, I'll follow your example and reach for my nine.
Two words for you, Dick: nice shot.
Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme
You've done the impossible, Crunchwrap -- you've made hepatitis worth it. I lose myself in the folds of your luscious tortilla, only to be met with the crisp taste of a tostada shell in your gooey center. Health is the last thing on my mind.
You may be grilled to go, but I want to stay with you 'til death do us part.
Adelphia Cable Company
Your record of service and non-price gouging continues to impress even the most discerning -- wait ... How did this get in here? You guys suck. Fix my cable.
Happy Valentine's Day to everyone on my list. I'd apologize for forgetting the holiday, if I wasn't already trying to think of a way to do it again next year.
Dan's column runs bi-weekly on Mondays. He can be reached at danstrong@cavalierdaily.com.
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