Did you know that the guy who played D.J.'s boyfriend (Steve) on "Full House" also provided the voice of Aladdin in the classic Disney film? I swear it's true. Incredible, huh? What's even more incredible is the fact that I spent three whole minutes investigating this matter on imdb.com yesterday. By the way, the actor's name is Scott Weinger, and he currently provides the voice of the drive-thru box at the Route 29 Arby's. He reportedly is not enjoying his whole new world of poverty.
In other depressing Scott Weinger news, the former quasi-celebrity now has to walk to work because his magic carpet was impounded after being operated with an expired state inspection decal. Following this incident, "Full House" cast-mate Dave Coulier, a.k.a. "Joey Gladstone," said he would take pity on Weigner if he had any right at all to do so. John Stamos, a.k.a. "Uncle Jesse Katsopolis," simply said, "Have mercy." He was being totally serious.
All this got me thinking: Would they ever make magic carpet flying an Olympic sport? This also got me thinking: I need to start coming up with better segues.
Indeed, the Olympics are upon us once again. Watching the Winter Games always makes me wish I hadn't walked out on my first and only ice-skating lesson when I was six years old. Ever since that day I've dreamed of winning the men's gold medal in Olympic figure skating.
First, I would put on the most awe-inspiring artistic program ever witnessed, featuring not just actual skating but also other art forms such as silk screen printing, advanced masonry work and creative writing. The judges would frantically check their rulebooks and find that there are, in fact, no explicit statutes against incorporating any of these elements. I would be awarded the gold and hailed as the new director general of the International Atomic Energy Agency, for some reason. Sorry, Dr. Mohamed ElBaradei.
Then, during the ceremonial playing of the U.S. national anthem, I would turn to the Russian silver medalist and say, cuttingly, "Nice job out there, Sergei. I like what you did with the jumps. What do you call that one you did at the end there, a triple klutz?" I would be recognized as a hero all over the world ... except in Russia, obviously. And pretty much anywhere else outside the United States.
So why didn't I pursue figure skating in real life, you ask? I blame my inner ear configuration, for one thing. I just don't have the requisite balance or coordination. I discovered this in my first attempt at skiing, during which I punched my ski instructor in the face. In my defense, she received ample warning when I asked, "What's this? A pole? What do I do with it?" and swung the instrument around like a fencing saber. Also, she bore a remarkable resemblance to a yeti, and, at the time, I was merely trying to protect the other children.
My skating teacher likewise attempted to instill confidence in me but to no avail. While showing us the technique for maneuvering backward, she told us to pretend we were drying our "fannies" after a bath so as to inspire a wiggling motion of the hips. First of all, I wasn't even sure what a fanny was or if I had one; and secondly, look lady, I don't dry off that way. Keep your personal drying habits to yourself. Now, if there had been offered some sort of auxiliary class on fanny-drying, I might have persevered. Instead, I decided to storm off the ice (when I say "storm off," I really mean "stumble off awkwardly and humiliatingly").
Another thing the Olympics invariably provoke is the widespread proposal of new ideas for games to be adopted as official events. The Olympic Committee recently received several such suggestions from U.Va. students:
-- The 400-meter Discussion Dash
-- The Chalk and Flyer Biathlon
-- The "Should I go to the basketball game? Nah, forget it. I mean, I want us to win, but is my attendance really going to make a difference? Ok, how about this: I'll go if I can get a ride" Freestyle Deliberation
-- The "Can I borrow money for food?" Downhill Pleading
-- wait a minute, Scott Weinger, how'd you get onto this list?
-- Haaaaaaave Mercyyy
Dan's column runs biweekly on Fridays. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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