Instead of doing homework and reading books, I've taken on a new hobby. Like many other reporters who lie and make up life histories, I too have created an alias. Dr. Pooh (what should have been a clever pun on my name backfired) is a doctor specializing in the medicine of love. In preparation for Valentine's Day, I decided to offer my services online to those who needed it. Here are a few samples of the type of responses I got:
Dr. Pooh,
With Valentine's Day less than a week away, it's time for me to start planning that special gift for that special friend. Perhaps a whole roasted chicken or perhaps a nice pair of socks. What gifts say, "I love you?"
-- Lonely, but not for long
Dear Lonely,
Valentine's Day is a holiday for romance and seduction. Try this romantic poem:
"Oh sweet girl, what nice eyes,
But you have even nicer thighs.
Hold my hand and we'll fly away,
Hold something else for us to play."
Dear Dr. Pooh,
My colleague and I are from two opposing belief systems. He believes in evolution, while I believe in intelligent design. Is there any way to reconcile our differences in time for Valentine's Day?
-- Jesus Saves
Dear Jesus,
Tell him evolution is something science made up, like the dinosaurs and the sun. What proof we do have of "evolution" stems from the idea of survival of the fittest. If that were true, why are there fat people? In the time of cavemen, they would have been eaten first. But write it in frosting on a cake so his crazy liberal feelings aren't hurt.
Dr. Pooh,
My daughter is planning on handing Valentines out in school next week. How can I discourage her?
-- Ashamed to go to PTA Meetings
Dear PTA,
Do you know what PTA stands for? Party Town, America. Which you're not invited to. It seems to me like someone is a little bit jealous of his daughter's Pokemon Valentines. Perhaps you can turn this into a fun father-daughter bonding activity so you feel more included in her Valentine's Day. In fact, this would be the perfect moment to explain the birds and the bees using characters you are both familiar with. Pikachu, I choose you! To be my baby mama!
Dr. Pooh,
I want to make a totally romantic dinner for my totally awesome bf!!! What should I make first?! I <3 him sooooo much!
-- Hungry enough to eat my bf!!!
Dear Hungry Hippo,
Remember to make the environment romantic. Turn down the lights and put on some Madonna or Cher. Lip-sync because men always find that attractive. Also, wear an apron and high heels. Though common sense would suggest this combination in a kitchen would lead to numerous burn victims, that look in his eyes will make it all worth it.
To Dr. Pooh,
There is a girl who I think is pretty cute. I was wondering if you could give me tips to help pick her up. Thanks!
-- W.J.C.
Dear W.J.C.,
I would first make sure you two have something in common. Perhaps you two work in the same office or share an affinity for cigars. I would then make sure there is a common interest in one another. Perhaps she complimented you on your tie, perhaps you "complimented" on her dress. Then make "conversation." Perhaps you can make side conversation while you're on the phone with business associates. I hope this helps you land the girl of your dreams! Don't Tripp up!
Dr. Pooh,
What are the five best material gifts to give someone you love?
-- Materialistic Momma
Dear Mom,
5. The clap
4. A baby panda
3. Liposuction
2. A t-shirt with a cartoon fork on it that says, "I am so cute, my partner wants to fork me and eat me!"
1. The Rotunda
I have to admit, I make a pretty good advice columnist. Perhaps there is a future for me in journalism. After all, as long as I make up everything, I'll fit right in.
Winnie's column runs biweekly on Thursdays. She can be reached at winnie@cavalierdaily.com.
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