As much as I love life at the University, there are times when my routine gets a little too predictable. I go to the same places, see the same people, wear a variation of the same outfit (lots and lots of cable-knits and striped Oxfords) and perhaps most horrifyingly, begin to eat the same food. I am starting to garner somewhat of a reputation at establishments like Bodo's and Arch's for my constant presence, which is a very bad sign. While it is perfectly acceptable for your reputation to precede you at bars, being "known" at restaurants means you are getting either: A. boring or B. fat. And frankly, I feel like I might be getting C. all of the above and then some. Thank God for Spring Break to end the monotony, right?
Wrong. Don't get me wrong, I love everything about Spring Break (except the sleeping arrangements). But while Spring Break certainly seems like the ideal time to experience a different social scene by escaping to a location hotter than the studs of the University men's ice hockey team, it is my belief that you will find -- no matter the location -- that when college kids and alcohol get together, it's the same story with a different area code. There are a number of categories that describe the behavior of college partiers from Tallahassee to Toledo. Each Spring Breaker you meet will belong to at least one. Below, I have taken the liberty of explaining these categories in detail. Get in where you fit in.
The Houdini Drunk: Just like the famous escape artist for whom this drinker is named, the Houdini Drunk has the capability to go rogue at any moment. One minute she is next to you holding a drink and swaying (voluntarily?) to Fiddy's latest, the next she is speeding down the highway in the back of a Volkswagon en route to an antiques show in Kentucky with a hippie named "Sweetwater." Somehow, Houdini always finds his or her way back to civilization, but usually not without the evasion of law enforcement officers and/or unwanted groping. And you never entirely get the full explanation of what she was doing with Sweetwater in the first place.
The Idea Drunk: If you are unsure of what I mean by "Idea Drunk," here is a clue: He or she will start sentences with "Wouldn't it be cool/funny/sweet if ... ". When you hear this, you will know you have an Idea Drunk on your hands. And you should probably run. The Idea Drunk thinks it would be a good plan to create a business based on mixing alcohol with ice cream flavors (Bourbon Butter Pecan, anyone?) and thinks, if you really tried, you could probably make it across the train tracks by running under the speeding caboose. Beware, for the Idea Drunk is very persuasive and can make even the most ridiculous plan seem rational. If you are not careful, you will end up being the taste-tester for Southern Comfort Sherbet. And you will regret it.
The Jekyll & Hyde Drunk: Like mild-mannered Dr. Jekyll who would, after consuming his potion, turn into the murderous Mr. Hyde, this person completely changes personality when he or she drinks. This could be the suave socialite who starts crip-walking and slapping the dance floor Coyote Ugly-style once a couple rum and Diets are thrown back or the mild-mannered frat boy who starts smacking asses at the bar and trying to wrestle every other visible male under 70 years of age. Once they sleep it off, these people revert to their usual personalities and all is forgotten. Kind of like werewolves.
The Life Story Drunk: The Life Story Drunk will be your new best friend, if only you will have a seat and listen to them share every detail of their life since conception. The fact that you and the Life Story Drunk are complete strangers does not deter and, in fact, only encourages this particular breed to tell you about the time he got a jelly bean stuck up his nose when he was six or how she lost her virginity at her senior prom or about the urinary tract infection she is currently battling. No topic is off-limits. Hopefully, you are a Houdini Drunk and can hop in the Volkswagon with Sweetwater and be done with it.
The Emotional Drunk: Simply put, by the end of the night, this person's problems are your problems. The Emotional Drunk is all about feelings and, dammit, after three hours of hair-stroking and repeating the phrase "It'll be okay," you will feel the Emotional Drunk's pain whether you like it or not. The Emotional Drunk should never, under any circumstances, be left alone with an Idea Drunk, or some sort of insane "Wouldn't it make you feel better if ... " plan will inevitably be carried out and you will be called to post bail.
The Attention-Loving Drunk: Whether it comes from the opposite sex or the same sex, this person needs to show everyone just how adored he or she is. Attention-Loving Drunks rarely look you in the eye, as they are always trolling for the next person to hug and greet with, "Ah! Ohmigod! How are you? I am SO wasted!" This person talks in an overly loud voice when telling stories in order to attract more listeners with stories of her, like, total stainfulness, for sure. Attention-Loving Drunks will go on in this fashion for the whole night until they either turn into Emotional Drunks or get hit in the face by the Jekyll & Hyde Drunk. The latter is often preferred.
At this point, you may (but probably aren't) wondering which of these categories describes me, but I'll have to disappoint you and keep that information on the low. Even writers have to have some dirty little secrets and I'm claiming this as one of mine. But, like, ohmigod, if you, like, really, really want to know, ask me and I'll be sure to tell you. In an overly loud voice. In a bar. For sure.
Erin's column runs bi-weekly on Mondays. She can be reached at gaetz@cavalierdaily.com.
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