This week I learned Subway has officially disbanded the Sub Club. First of all, why was this not more widely publicized? Some sort of TV ads, newsletter or sky-writing would have been appreciated. I haven't been this disappointed with the end of a rhyming food-based organization since Krispy Kreme ended the "Go Nuts for Donuts Association."
I don't care, I'm still displaying "Member of Sub Club" prominently on all résumés.
One national dining pastime is the tradition of adding the words "in bed" to any fortune cookie one might get in a Chinese restaurant. For example, "Try something new," followed by "in bed" for a hilarious double-entendre. I'd like to work at a fortune-cookie factory, just for the chance to slip in a couple messages that say, "What you just ate will give you food poisoning and you will spend a week."
In retrospect, sitting down and cramming slips of paper into cookie crevices with a set of tweezers for hours on end is probably a little extreme for a joke I wouldn't even be able to witness. :::Disappointed exhale::: The job search continues...
I bet public libraries really hate it when bored teens visit after school and monopolize all the computers. Other folks are trying to look up their microfiche call numbers and instead they have to wait behind a fifth-grader playing a version of online Halo. I remember a day when kids spent their afternoons on more productive ventures, like playing the "From how high can you jump?" game or sticking batteries on our tongues.*
*Were these just Cunningham family pastimes? How unnecessarily revealing.
I often wonder if there are others in this world who mentally yell, "SKING!" whenever they read the word "skiing."
This week Harrisonburg announced that O.A.R. would be visiting their fair town later this year. In light of this news, let's take a quick gander at the scoreboard, shall we?
JMU vs. U.Va.
Madison vs. Jefferson
Point: U.Va. [Madison was shorter]Bulldogs vs. Cavaliers
Point: JMU (Feathers in caps are so 1650.)Rolling Stones vs. O.A.R.
Point: O-ARe you kidding me?
Ultimate Victor: U.Va. Hooray for self-congratulation! Actually, upon further review, it's been revealed that the JMU mascot is actually the Duke Dog. Points will be recalibrated.
Duke Dogs vs. Cavaliers
Point: U.Va. (At least our mascot doesn't pretend to be from some other school.)
It's a shut-out! We better be inched ahead of Berkeley in the next U.S. News poll after word gets out about this very scientific survey we've just conducted.
Starting Friday of this week, all University elections and referenda are open for voting. This particular election is incredibly important because of the Honor referenda being put forward: one trying to put in place the "consensus clause" and the other to include "triviality" in Honor deliberations. It's about time cheating at trivia became a suspendable offense. Calling your friends under the table at Mellow Mushroom will never be the same again.
Dear Andy Samberg,
Congratulations on the proven success of your geek-core rap "Lazy Sunday." It's an established Internet sensation and I'm sure your career is skyrocketing. But I must warn you: When Lorne Michaels offers you a movie deal later in the season, DO NOT TAKE IT. Pace yourself, young one.
Love,
Chris Kattan
P.S. Send money.
Eric's column runs each Wednesday. He can be reached at cunningham@cavalierdaily.com.
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