Did you know that the chief export of Chuck Norris is pain? Or that outer space exists only because it's afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris? Perhaps you were unaware that Vin Diesel can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property. I'm sure you had no idea that Mr. T is one part gold, two parts muscle, one part anger and no parts "jibba jabba."
If you happen to know any of these things or, at the very least, believe that I am somewhat sane, you have read or heard some of the "random facts" that are sweeping the Internet. For those of you who are unaware, there are massive amounts of random quotes about Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Mr. T. floating about the World Wide Web. Why or how all of this started is unknown -- what is known is these random facts are hilarious and everybody should have at least a few in their joke-telling arsenal. With this fad in mind, I decided I would share some random facts about the holy trinity at the University -- basketball coach Dave Leitao, football coach Al Groh and everybody's favorite mascot, Cavman.
Dave Leitao
The makers of Mortal Kombat and EA Sports have decided to team up to make a college basketball video game. While playing with Virginia, you have the option of executing a combination at the end of every game. This special move causes Coach Leitao to perform his own "Lei-talities" on every referee, ranging from his "laser death stare" to "suffocating blazer toss."
At the beginning of this season, Dave Leitao sold his soul to Lucifer for seven ACC victories. After the Boston College game, the devil came to collect on his end of the bargain. In response to this request, Leitao merely stared at the devil, drew up a play that consisted of the devil literally "going to hell" and pointed down. The devil, in an attempt to save face, took Pete Gillen's soul instead and promptly executed Coach Leitao's play to perfection.
Al Groh
Against NCAA regulations, Al Groh plays every position for the Cavaliers, a la Bugs Bunny playing baseball. The constant application of Chap-Stick is his body double's clever ruse to distract from the fact that he is, in fact, not Al Groh.
Al Groh doesn't write up plays, he simply writes X's and O's on a piece of paper. The letters, for fear of Groh, arrange themselves into a pattern that they believe would be a satisfactory play.
Al Groh's lips don't need Chap-Stick to stay moist. Chap-Stick needs Al Groh's lips to stay moist.
Cavman
When Cavman found out that he is merely a mascot played by various people, he decided to hunt down and "dispose of" everybody who has ever played him. His reasoning? Nobody plays Cavman ...
... Later on, he confronted the computer programmers responsible for "The Adventures of Cavman" and demanded every episode include a love scene with Brooke Burke. This was actually a request from Brooke, who beat out every other female in existence for the honor.
Offended by their attempts to overshadow him, Cavman decided to eat the entire Hoo Crew for lunch. Nobody out-cheers Cavman.
There you have it, three of the University's most recognizable personalities and several things you never knew about them. The only logical step up is a steel cage match with all three and Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Mr. T to determine which trio reigns supreme. Who wouldn't want to see that?
Eric's column runs bi-weekly on Tuesdays. He can be reached at ast@cavalierdaily.com.
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