With the career fair season upon us, fourth years like myself have been in and out of job interviews for the past few weeks. Well, not fourth years like myself in particular, but I'm sure there is a different set of fourth years that are having some semblance of luck on the job market. I, on the other hand, can only daydream. And, naturally, as it happens every time I daydream, a surreal blend of real-world experiences and television staples emerges. These are those stories.
Scene: A downtown office building. A half-dozen applicants sit in a waiting room. The door to the sparsely decorated office opens as the first applicant enters. Inside, a generic-suited man sits reviewing a stack of résumés.
"Hello, my name is Mr. Johnson, I'm the human resources director."
"Greetings! And I am Captain Planet!"
"You've got energy, that's good."
"Indeed it is! Energy: one of our limited resources. It's important to conserve for future generations."
"... Well, I guess I can't argue with that. In any case, your résumé is quite impressive. You have a lot of skills to offer and we have a lot to offer you as well."
"With our powers combined, customer service can be maximized!"
"Right. Well, you seem normal ... enough. I've got a good feeling about you. But I still have to interview the others waiting outside. I'll call you later in the week to let you know what decision I end up making."
"The power ... is yours!"
"Y-Yes. Thank you."
:::Captain Planet fractures into multi-colored plasma streaks and jets out a window. Soon after, the office door is kicked in and a man with perpetual stubble storms to Mr. Johnson's desk:::
"Hello, Mr. Johnson. I'm Jack Bauer, the one-man Counter-Terrorism Unit."
"Well, Mr. Bauer, I don't appreciate you destroying my office, but tell me a little about yourself."
"I'm not telling you anything."
"Excuse me?"
"Tell me where the bomb is!"
"I'm not sure to what you're referring ..."
"The only reason you're still conscious is so I don't have you carry you."
"Is that a threat?"
"Don't make me kill you!"
"Please, sir, stop yelling into your cell phone. I'm trying to conduct an interview."
"I don't like torturing people ... but I won't hesitate to do so."
"I'm afraid this interview is over. Please leave immediately."
"I'll be back within the hour. I'm not leaving you behind."
:::Mr. Bauer exits. Next applicant enters:::
"Good morning, young man, my name is --"
"Silence! I am Stewie Griffin, your next employee and supreme overlord."
"Actually, Mr. Griffin, if you'll just hold on a second. I've been reviewing your application and between your listed interests of global domination, your abnormally shaped head and massive ego, I noticed that the entire résumé seems to be an utter plagiarization of that of another one of our applicants. Therefore we cannot hire you and ask that you leave immediately."
"Who the deuce are you talking about?"
"I believe it is a ... ah here it is. Mr. Brain and his associate, an individual simply known as 'Pinky.' The résumés are virtually identical. I'm sorry, but you're going to have to leave."
:::Mr. Griffin exits. Next applicant enters:::
"Hello, Dr. Jack Shepherd? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with you."
"I'm a survivor of Oceanic Flight 815. I've been LOST in the tropics for 40 days."
"Oh, I've heard of your plight. Tell me, why do you want to work with us?"
"There are Other people on this island."
"I'm sorry, what island?"
"There may or may not be a robotic dinosaur watching us right now."
"Pardon?"
"Look out! A polar bear!"
"I'm sorry, you're not making any sense."
"Aren't I? Or maybe it's so complicated you can't wrap your mind around it. I leave you with that chilling thought ..."
:::Dr. Shepherd slowly exits office, leaving Mr. Johnson with more questions than when the interview started ... but also with a sense of wanting more. The final applicant enters:::
"Hey. My name is Benjamin McKenzie, from the O.C."
:::Mr. McKenzie furrows his brow, looks sullen:::
"Awwwww ... that is adorable. You got the job!"
"Wow. This is great. This is the happiest I've ever been. In my entire life."
:::Mr. McKenzie furrows his brow, looks slightly less sullen:::
Eric's column runs each Wednesday. He can be reached at cunningham@cavalierdaily.com.
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