Here at my research facility, also known as "Club Clemons" to lay people, I've been doing some background research on the effects of Spring Break on the student psyche.
Boy, are the effects awesome.
In one week, many of you, my faithful readers, will be lounging, drinking, clubbing and building houses.
Wait, what?
Ah yes, those of you with a conscience will be doing wonderful things for the good of humanity. Alternative Spring Break is one option; there are Katrina relief effort spring breaks being offered as well.
I do not have a conscience.
I will be sailing in the British Virgin Islands. Cue Effect #1: Jealousy for other's Spring Break plans. It doesn't matter how warm, wonderful and exotic the place you are going is -- everyone else has wonderful plans as well.
Usually I just go home to Ohio and get excited about that. So it doesn't take much to impress me with your plans.
Just going home is an option. People forget that sometimes. It is not the end of the world if your vacation plans include seeing your parents and watching a full season of "Grey's Anatomy." The word that comes to mind is, "not expensive." Haha, just kidding, that's two words.
We still have one week, though, where we must struggle through midterms and Effect #2 occurs: an extraordinary amount of comics about the difficulty of midterms. Yes, we know they're hard. We're taking them too. Reminding us about how unhappy we are about taking them is not humorous.
Spring Break, as far as I'm concerned, is the dessert you get after finishing all of your broccoli. Because you will stay at that table until you finish that broccoli, young man. Or young woman. Man up and eat the stuff; study and nail those midterms.
Lately I imagine you all have been going to the gym a lot more. The look to achieve this month: "Bathing suit-ready." Notice how this is all hypothetical on my part. This is because I have not been going to the gym. Effect #3: Extreme body anxiety.
I've gone tanning a couple of times (to keep from getting burned later, Mom!), but other than that, this whole triangle top and itty-bitty bottoms thing has got me worried. There's not much you can fake when you've got more exposed than some lingerie models. I've thought about only eating Subway for the next week but I don't think Jared looks that good in a bathing suit.
Ah, another time for the running and extreme health community at U.Va. to read my column and laugh at me.
"Silly Clare!" they say. "Why doesn't she run 25 miles a day like I do, take 20 credits and go drinking four nights a week? What a little sissy girl!"
But until I join their Schwarzenegger-like ranks, I will have to do what the general public likes to call "having self-confidence."
Everyone can do it. It is not enjoyable to hear very small and cute girls complain about having to wear a bathing suit. It's much more attractive to just go out there and do it. Lay on the beach (with your knees slightly bent -- reduces stomach pooch) and enjoy the sun, no matter what kind of shape you are in. Being perfect is overrated -- I'm very happy with just being me.
Spring Break creates one final and very important effect, and that's #4: It's all you can think about.
Now, you may notice that my intensive study consisted mostly of how I feel about Spring Break. This is true. But do you know why? Because it's the only thing on my mind. It won't go away. One more week and I'll be driving to Dulles. It's the stock quote line running through my head right now.
Have a blast on Spring Break everyone -- come back tan, but not as tan as me. I want to hear stories about the French Riviera's weather, meeting Brad and Angelina in Colorado skiing or your two friends that are twins making out with each other on Absinthe. Wait, that's Eurotrip.
But while I sit with my boyfriend as he wears a pink Speedo and personalized sweatbands, I'm sure you will all be thinking about Effect #1.
How can you not be jealous of a pink Speedo?
Clare's column runs biweekly on Mondays. She can be reached at ondrey@cavalierdaily.com.
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