I have always wondered what constitutes an appropriate Valentine's Day activity. Ever since I saw an episode of "Full House" where Uncle Jesse rents a hot air balloon for Becky in an attempt to rekindle their marriage, I've wondered, "Is this what Valentine's Day is all about -- hot air balloons, roses and John Stamos?"
Luckily, it has been my experience that Valentine's Day only includes one of those things. Which one, I'll let you figure out. For the most part, my Valentine's experiences have progressed nicely from the grade school days to where I am today. We all started with the requisite "bring in a card for everybody in the entire class so nobody feels left out" days of yesteryear. Speaking of those days, why did they ever end? Wouldn't we all be a little happier around here if the University had a similar policy to that of Ms. Payton's kindergarten class? I don't think requiring everybody to buy 12,000 cards is asking too much. I know I'd be a bit happier if I received an "I Choo-Choo-Choose You" card with a picture of a train.
After the grade school days came the awkward middle school days when you would bring in a few cards for the people you had a crush on, then steer clear of them for the rest of the day to avoid admitting what you just did.
I must say my favorite stage was the early high school, "I don't have a car or a date. Hey Mom, what's for dinner?" days. These were immediately followed by the latter high school, "I now have a car, still no date. Hey Mom, what's for dinner?" days.
Knowing what to do for Valentine's Day is very difficult for a guy. This is the first time in my life I've actually had to make plans, and, from this experience, I have learned two things. First of all, I have no idea what I'm doing. Secondly, the most interesting thing about this holiday is not figuring out what to do, it's basking in the blunders of people like myself who didn't know what to do and just happened to screw up badly. Nobody wants to hear about successful Valentine's Day plans -- those are boring and, honestly, might make me a little sick to my stomach. The real interesting things are the mistakes. Nobody ever watches the show "When animals sit in their cages and behave in a civil manner," but "When animals attack" -- that's gold! Here are a couple of Valentine's Day blunders I found funny:
Every guy who has ever had a girlfriend knows the classic "no, we don't have to go to the (insert boring girl-friendly activity here). Go play cards with your friends instead. Really, it's okay" routine. What this really means is, "if you don't come with me, you will find yourself in chateau bow wow." With this knowledge under his belt, you would have thought that my friend Kevin would have seen right through his girlfriend's "I don't want to do anything for Valentine's Day" statement. However, Kevin decided he would take his girlfriend literally (always a bad idea) and actually not do anything. Anger ensued, and only after a year and a hefty Victoria's Secret spending spree has he recovered from that mishap. The worst part of screwing up on Valentine's Day is you have to wait a year to make up for it, assuming your girl hasn't tossed your negligent bum on the street.
Understanding girls or what will make them happy on a particular day is nearly impossible. However, an understanding of a few key lessons we can learn from our bumbling predecessors is a key. First off, it's a good idea to know about any obscure food allergies your date may have before making dinner. Nobody wants to spend Valentine's Day in an emergency room with somebody who looks like "Hitch" after some clam dip.
Next, know that just because the Blue Man Group is a popular and entertaining Las Vegas show, do not for a minute think that a solo Red Man Act will be a charming Valentine's Day idea. God bless the man who taught us that lesson.
Lastly, if a family member's birthday happens to fall on Valentine's Day, do not, under any circumstances, forget to call. Seriously, it's my grandmother's birthday today, and if you happen to see me around, remind me to call home. I don't want to end up being the one to teach a bunch of poor idiots a valuable lesson. Happy Birthday, Grandma.
Eric's column runs bi-weekly on Tuesdays. He can be reached at ast@cavalierdaily.com.
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