After attending the University for a certain amount of time, you begin to realize that it is a much smaller place than the enrollment figures suggest. Everyone you meet has a connection with you. The guy who sits next to you in Econ dated your first-year roommate. The bouncer at Jab had discussion with you second year. The girl you happen upon at a house party is now dating your very recent ex-boyfriend. Wait ... that bitch is doing what?!? Aw, hell no.
It is an undeniable fact that the more intertwined you get in U.Va's vaunted social scene, the more likely you are to cross paths with a person who has, or will, upset you to a severe degree. Though this person may start as someone you merely give dirty looks to and "accidentally" spill drinks on as you strut past, if the dislike reaches a certain degree, you will obtain what is commonly known as a "nemesis."
I contend that everyone at U.Va has at least one real Paris vs. Nicole-like nemesis situation brewing or in progress at any given time. If you are reading this and thinking, "This chick is completely off base. There is no way I have a nemesis," think again. You are probably someone's arch-rival and don't even know it. Sucker.
At this point, it is only fair to define what I mean by nemesis. A nemesis is not just someone who you dislike or who dislikes you. It is not someone you avoid. A nemesis relationship is characterized by the presence of plotting. To have a true nemesis (as opposed to a "rival" or a "foe," which don't necessarily involve plotting), you must spend a significant amount of time plotting against this person and believe that they are spending an equal or greater amount of time plotting against you. Whether or not they actually do is completely beside the point. These plots cannot be simplistic, either. They must be Ocean's 11-esque, with operatives and explosives and a sweet getaway car that makes dramatic squealing noises when you turn corners. If you have a 1986 Buick that makes dramatic squealing noises, please don't involve it in your plotting. Take it in to the service station immediately before the axel falls off and injures someone.
The only problem with carrying out the fruits of your plotting is that your act of revenge will inevitably be traced back to you and you may end up spending a significant portion of your fourth year in a dirty prison cell. Problems may arise if you are not "built for prison" when a large woman known as "Deathrow" decides to make you her Polo-wearing bitch. Thus, putting your plots into action may not seem worth it.
That's where I come in. See, I've decided to capitalize on the nemesis situation at the University with a little business I like to call Vengeance For Hire. That's right, for a reasonable price (and perhaps a handle of Jack Daniel's) you can have your very own plots enacted on your nemesis without ever having to get your hands dirty.
Vengeance For Hire has every kind of plotting specialist you can imagine including, but not limited to: private property destruction, physical violence, stalking and intel and seduction departments. My department heads are experts in their respective fields and have recently been conducting trial vengeance missions on what have become known as "Vandalism Thursdays" (which nicely coincide with the Thursday Dance Party at Jab). Eggs have been known to fly on these nights, propelled not by physical ability or technique, but by pure hate. I must admit, on our first trial mission, I, Erin Gaetz, CEO and head of the physical violence department, took a nasty spill while fleeing the scene. Don't worry, I'll shore up my coordination issues before missions begin in earnest.
Having a nemesis at the University is unavoidable, but take comfort in the fact that you now have a service dedicated to carrying out the plots you have been spending a ridiculous amount of time constructing. (Who cares if your nemesis has not been holding up her end of the bargain by counter-plotting?) You can enjoy a carefree night of dance and drink while the specialists at V.F.H. do the damn thing for you. No muss, no fuss and certainly no uncomfortable moments warding off Deathrow in lock-up. Everybody wins. Except of course your nemesis. She's screwed.
Erin's column runs biweekly on Mondays. She can be reached at gaetz@cavalierdaily.com.
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