After spending the past week or so "studying" (read: watching the Olympics), I've "decided" (read: been forced to because of poor grades) to become a televised amateur ice skating competition commentator.
The Olympics has shown me that, in order to be a successful commentator for NBC, I just need a hilariously funny name. For example, Scott Hamilton (whose name is an anagram for my childhood nickname, "Ms. Chao, Int'l Tot) and Dick Buttons (self-explanatory). Since I too share a name with a part of the human body, I think I'd be a pretty good commentator. I've already written my letter to NBC.
Dear NBC Olympics Coverage,
When I grow up, I'd like to be an ice skating commentator. I've watched enough ice skating competitions to be able to discuss performances with the best of them. For example, my criticisms are more honest, more direct and more accurate than anything Dick Buttons says.
Situation 1: A girl misses her jump and falls.
Dick Buttons would say, "That is absolutely disastrous for the short program. When you're competing at this level, you can't make mistakes like that."
I would say, "If you were in my ice skating class, I would give you an F-. My arthritic grandfather could have landed that jump."
Situation 2: A girl barely brushes the boards when skating by.
Dick Buttons would say, "She has brilliant moments followed by sloppiness. We just saw a bit of that when she crashed into the boards. Unacceptable -- what a disappointment."
I would say, "This is not NASCAR. Also, your dress is ugly."
In conclusion, I can be harsher than Dick Buttons ever can.
NBC Coverage, I understand that Dick is under contract for ice skating competitions. I did not know he had once been an ice skater. I tried to Google his name, but the results wouldn't show up because of the SafeSearch filter. I believe Dick and I can have a working relationship. I too have an ice skating background. I took lessons when I was eight. My mother had me wear snow pants to cushion my bottom in case I fell. While trying to take the snow pants off in the lobby, I ended up pulling down everything. The boy's hockey team laughed at me, so I went over and punched a player in the face. I was promptly ejected from the rink. In conclusion, Dick Buttons and I are almost identical skating twins. His name is exactly what I flashed.
NBC Coverage, I understand that you'd like to have an opposing viewpoint. I agree, two commentators who agree on everything takes away the excitement of figure skating. Dick and I will have a wonderful repertoire with a thrilling sexual tension.
Situation 1: A skater gets a perfect score.
Dick Buttons would say, "Wow. I was not expecting that. That score does not accurately reflect that performance."
I would say, "Dick, I agree. You know what numbers would be better? 434-555-9884. Write that down."
Situation 2: A skater singles a double axle.
Dick Buttons would say, "Now that is going to cost her. The judges won't count a single."
I would say, "But I count singles. In fact, I count two of them sitting right here."
Situation 3: The most amazing performance ever performed by any performer in the history of ice skating (except for Michelle Kwan).
Dick Buttons would say, "Not her best, but I think she did well."
I would say, "Dick Buttons, you are attractive. I watched the skating through the reflection on your shiny, yet adorable, bald head."
Situation 4: America fails, yet again, to win a gold in men's figure skating.
Dick Buttons would say, "And the Russians have once again foiled the Americans. Will the Russian skating program ever follow in the paths of the Berlin Wall, and fall?"
I would say, "You have already won a gold medal. Of my heart."
NBC, of course, has not gotten back to me yet. I'm fully confident they are currently talking to Dick Buttons about new contract terms. Michelle Kwan, I'll be seeing you in 2010.
Winnie's column runs biweekly on Thursdays. She can be reached at winnie@cavalierdaily.com.
Read More
It’s okay not to be okay
By Mai Hukuoka | 3 days agoWhether talking to a friend, a loved one or a professional, it is so necessary, and human, to need more than you can provide for yourself.
Taking a break at Tangerines Kitchen
By Charley Thomas | 5 days agoWhat the restaurant somewhat lacks in ambiance, it compensates for in tasty dishes and prompt service.
Virginia Policy Lab — a hub for student-led policy action
By Katherine Haden | December 9, 2024Students propose their own projects and collaborate with other members to research their issues of interest, brainstorm solutions and write policy proposals.
