As April approaches, most of us see the end of the school year and begin making plans for when we're away from the University. However, for high school seniors, April marks the date college acceptances go out, so their minds get focused on coming to the University. Inevitably, this leads to the annual tradition of the college visiting tour.
As I passed one of these the other day, my Awkwardar went off as the tour group was emanating unprecedented levels of A-rays. Like a moth to a flame, I stayed and watched the miniature society in front of me. Feeling the potential for an all-out sociological thesis (which I summarize for you here), I whipped out a notepad and began categorizing the various species of man.
History Nerd Prospective Student: He just got a four on his AP exam and is looking for a way to prove he could have gotten that five. Will choose to correct the tour guide at every possible opportunity, specifically calling out historical tidbits only tangentially related to the topic at hand. This guy will inevitably be in every discussion section you will ever have at the University.
Kid Who's Too Cool to be Seen at College with Her Parents: Arms crossed, never making eye contact with "the parentals" (as she calls them), this young lady would rather have us believe she doesn't have parents. Her inner monologue is obsessed with wondering if people can actually tell she's in high school. No one has the heart to tell her the "Rydell High Class of 2006" ponytail bow is a dead giveaway.
Note: Under rare occasions, it is possible to be a witness to a unique speaking style seen only among high schoolers: It is a scenario where by talking through clenched teeth one can both whisper and yell at the same time. "Mom, let's go! You're embarrassing me. No, I don't want to go to the Bookstore, let's just go home!"
Dad Who Went Here in 1965: Will pester the tour guide with questions like, "Do they still have [insert establishment no one has ever heard of]? No? Oh. It used to be 'the' hang out spot. I was telling my son here about it" [Son has already physically distanced himself from Dad at this point].
Everyone in tour group secretly suspects Dad is either making places up or simply confusing them with locations that do exist. Is also prone to beginning sentences with "Back the way things used to be ..." which, as the tour goes on, everyone figures out is a simple euphemism for "Before we had them women in the classroom ... "
Disoriented Old Guy: He thought this was a historical/tourist tour and is taking photos of any stray dandelion growing between the bricks in the sidewalk, assuming these are the famed Pavilion Gardens. Also likely to be wearing a Virginia Tech hat, indicating he is not entirely aware of where he is.
The Mom Who Means Well: Has the inexplicable ability to point out any aspect of the University and extract from it a connection to an embarrassing fact about her son.
"Jimmy, look, they have an arcade in Newcomb Hall. You can play StreetFighter on Friday nights here, too!"
"Mom! Please! I don't do that. You took StreetFighter away when you said it was too violent."
"Well, it got you riled up before your bedtime."
:::Jimmy is shunned by the rest of the group; only friends are other social pariahs like Dad Who Went Here:::
And, finally, the inevitable:
Ghost of Thomas Jefferson: Hangs around tour groups, vainly yelling corrections of historical inaccuracies to an audience who can't hear him.
"I'm the one who shot the professor on the Lawn. He owed me money."
Also responsible for impregnating anyone who walks over the Z on Ruffner Bridge.
Eric's column runs each Wednesday. He can be reached at cunningham@cavalierdaily.com.
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