Maybe the Bloodhound Gang was on to something when they sang, "You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel."
In opposition to Bloodhound's crude breakdown of things, Disney has made a fortune convincing us that animals fall in love happily ever after, just like us, with complex emotions and all. They've made kids and parents alike swoon over stories that personified and humanized the mating matters of dogs, fish and lions, oh my.
This perception is deceptively human-centric and reliant on the assumption that we've got this relationship thing right, and wouldn't it be sweet to believe the natural world could mimic us? In the real world, however, that model seems suspiciously idealistic. In fact, more often than not, when we take off our rose-colored, romance-seeking lenses it seems that our mating methodologies come straight from the pages of the jungle book, not the other way around. When you look at things with your pith-helmet on, it's not hard to see how animalistic the human species can be as it navigates its own dating wild.
A herd approaches the watering hole. The dominant male separates from the pack, approaching the water first, while the others follow, several paces behind. The dominant male jostles for a position near the water's cool edge. Extending his rib cage prominently, he seeks to appear larger than he is, thereby intimidating other water seekers as well as establishing a larger area of turf for himself. Hark! He spots a female, preening in the shallows. She extends her limbs and twists her frame, exposing her plump breast.
An extensive Google search revealed the name of a leading expert in the study of human mating rituals. Dr. Fisher, a Rutgers anthropologist, is featured on various dating websites and provides quotes for plenty of relationship-focused articles. Her subjects are flirting, dating and mating adult humans, and her conclusions break things down to a positively primitive level.
In an article by Judy Dutton, "Mating Rituals Decoded"), Fisher applies a scientist's vernacular to her descriptions of the body language of the flirting human. She points out details like eye contact, posture, even the way a hand holds a glass and contends that each of these subtle movements is a form of strategic sexual signage directed toward the object, or objects, of lusty desire. In other words, that coy move you pulled yesterday at Barnes & Noble -- locking eyes across a stack of best-selling paperbacks and then playfully glancing away toward the magazine rack -- yeah, that's pretty much on par with two labs engaging in the get-to-know you butt sniff at the local fire hydrant. A Thursday, 10 p.m. text message that reads, "What u up 2 tonite?" translates into a coyote howl on a warm Arizona evening.
The male locks eyes with the female across the watering hole. From her confident stance and prominent position at the hole, he can tell that she, too, is the dominant member of her herd. She has a healthy glow and fit shape that speaks to his instinctive procreation urges. Suddenly, the male is distracted by an approaching party. A bartering communication begins, and the male makes sure to raise his voice, exuding strength and hopefully attracting further attention from the female. "Bottle of Bud Light," he barks authoritatively. Her now more frequent glances assure him that his gesture has worked.
There's clearly an argument to be made about the way we, as humans, go about our dating and mating lives: At times, Dr. Doolittle would be a better source for love advice than Dr. Phil (not that we're advocating for Dr. Phil ... yuck. Just had to keep that doctor crack alive.) However, to say that all dating dilemmas can be broken down to pheromones and marked territory takes the point too far. Every argument needs to be taken with a grain of salt, and that grain for this one is the fact that humans have the ability to override their instincts -- and often do.
Every day, more than just a few good men in committed relationships resist bouncing, silicone temptations and make decisions based on love, commitment and trust rather than letting their loins lead. And every day, there are women who disregard the broad-shouldered, physical specimens of protective power and opt for a man who's a better at conversation than converting flesh to muscle.
Still, there's something to be said for pure-and-simple primitive attraction -- and sometimes the chemistry between two humans can seem to come straight out of a biology class. The key seems to be -- as it is in most areas of our lives -- to find a balance. Ideally, "Tarzan love Jane" because he turns her on and because she shares his love for the physics of vine transport.
But, hey, if you're looking to up your chances at this weekend's watering holes, a quick Google search can also lead you to some spray-on pheromones, shipping and handling extra, of course.
Megan and Meghan's column runs bi-weekly on Tuesdays. They can be reached at fanale@cavalierdaily.com and moran@cavalierdaily.com.
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