Last night, the University Democrats held their annual "UDems Date Auction," where various U.Va. celebrities and politicos were auctioned off to raise money for the Shelter for Help in Emergency.
While the lineup proved to be an impressive collection of the best and brightest, there were some faces I thought were missing. I'm sure the flesh market could use some other familiar faces that I didn't see there. So, I propose a remake of the event, with a wider range of people to bid on.
Without further ado, I present The Cavalier Daily Date Auction. Let's meet the candidates. :::Begin "The Dating Game" theme song:::
Larry J. Sabato
Likes: Politics, telling the Clemons Library story
Dislikes: Commentators on news shows that aren't him
Asking Price: $1 million (to the Center for Politics)
Demetri from the White Spot
Likes: Being Greek and letting you know it, taking pictures with college students, smoke breaks
Dislikes: Littlejohn's
Asking Price: $0, but the date must culminate with a Gusburger eating contest.
Generic Jeff Scholar
Likes: Registering before you, writing theses, going to college for free
Dislikes: You, your friends, social situations
Asking Price: Enough to purchase the weapons-grade particle accelerator for his "research project"
Student Council President Darius Nabors
Likes: Late night busing, more late night busing, regular busing, the movie Speed
Dislikes: Speed 2 -- Cruise Control; not enough busing
Asking Price: Your vote
O-Hill Dean
Likes: Card-swiping, ponytails, the Grateful Dead
Dislikes: Disorderly lines, Newcomb Dining Hall
Price: A swipe
ABC Officer
Likes: Busting minors, sobriety, having facebook groups about him
Dislikes: Falling into obscurity
Price: Your fake
P&T Ticket-Writer.
Likes: Issuing fines, bureaucracy, watching students' faces when they see him coming
Dislikes: Being the only person on Grounds more hated than the ABC officer
Price: Something ridiculously high
Living Wage Campaign
Likes: Earning enough to live in Charlottesville, chalking, social justice
Dislikes: Social injustice, Casteen
Asking Price: $10.72
President Casteen
Likes: Asking graduates for money, living at Carr's Hill, delivering speeches
Dislikes: Cheap alumni, the Living Wage Campaign, having his facebook profile revoked
Asking Price: $3 billion (over 5 years)
Eric's column runs each Wednesday. He can be reached at cunningham@cavalierdaily.com.
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