Let me cue you all into a secret: I'm a giant nerd. What, not surprised? What tipped you off? Was it that I write for the newspaper or that I admit to being from Utah?
Well, maybe it wasn't as well-kept a secret as I'd have liked.
Though, at U.Va., there's really no need to keep one's nerd-dom under wraps. There are more nerds here than at a Star Trek convention.
At a place where so many nerds have come together, many of us have found a way to specialize. This creates many subcategories of nerd that can be a little difficult to keep track of.
I'm here to help. As a card-carrying member of the nerd community, I've developed a helpful catalogue of some of the most extreme types of nerds, how to spot them, and what to do if you find yourself in an awkward encounter with one. Let's begin:
Computer Nerd
Quote: "All your base are belong to us." (If you don't get it, you're not a computer nerd.)
Wearing: No pants.
Description: Though living a quite mundane life in the "real world," this nerd's exploits in Cyberland would amaze even Chuck Norris. He has saved Rome, the United States, Earth and even the Galaxy, but he has also destroyed each countless times in less noble gameplay. He is a big fan of bashing anything and everything on Internet message boards using some of the most vile language ever printed, but won't say a word in his real life cause he's too busy listening to his iPod.
Should you encounter him: You won't.
Coffee Shop Nerd a.k.a. "Intellectual"
Quote: "Starbucks is so pedestrian."
Wearing: Attire could range from gothic to post-hippie, but never a suit.
Description: This bard of the bean can be found at any coffee distributor that he considers sufficiently "underground." He maligns the mainstream and champions the lower class, even as he throws down another eight bucks for a soy milk latte after stepping over the homeless man outside.
Should you encounter him: Steer the conversation toward free-trade issues. That should keep him going long enough for you to slip a sedative into his sipper cup. Make it strong.
Japan Nerd
Quote:
Wearing: A button-up Dragonball Z shirt (I'm not kidding)
Description: A lover of everything to come out of Japan since World War II, this guy has Japanese video games, movies, Manga and Hello Kitty merchandise even the Japanese don't know exist. How can he be so self-confident even as he dances every step of "It's Raining Men" to perfection on his DDR? Simple. He knows that his Digimon is bigger than yours.
Should you encounter him: Quickly shout, "Look, MOTHRA!" and run the other way.
Comic Book Nerd
Quote: "With great power comes great responsibility."
Wearing: It involves a giant "S."
Description: As founder of the "Comic books are cool" Facebook group, I know a good deal about these nerds. Contrary to their stereotype, comic book nerds are some of the sexiest, funniest, most well-liked and intelligent people on the planet. Most even have real superpowers, but simply act nerdy by day to maintain their secret identities.
Should you encounter one: Buy him a drink, give him your number, or throw money at him. If that fails, point him to the nearest vat of radioactive chemicals. Trust me, he'll love it.
Emo Nerd
Quote: "The stars will cry the blackest tears tonight, and this is the moment that I live for" -- actual lyric.
Wearing: Hint: They don't make men's pants that small.
Description: He is sort of a modern day existentialist, except without all the deep thinking or artistic talent. He claims to want love, but he's really more in love with whining about it.
Should you encounter him: Take back his Sunday.
Gaming Nerd
Quote: "Dude, where's my leather dice satchel?"
Wearing: At least one leather dice satchel.
Description: He fancies himself a wizard and/or dragon slayer, though his only real weapon is an arsenal of feeble girlish slaps and his magic is limited to corrected vision. Still, he doesn't need any physical power as long as he has all-powerful eight-sided dice to fight his battles.
Should you encounter him: Quickly summon your level five Na'azulthur to counter the fire magic properties of his level four Ragnaltham.
Sadly, we've barely scratched the surface here. Nerds are a varied and diverse population.
Still, though most of us aren't as professional as the nerds I've described above, we all have a little nerd inside. And at U.Va. why not embrace it?
Dan Strong's column runs bi-weekly on Mondays. He can be reached at danstrong@cavalierdaily.com.
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