With polls closing today, it's time to bid a fond farewell to University election season yet again. It's a time where countless students rise up from the masses and attempt to sway voters with a powerful arsenal of oversized flyers and multicolored chalk.
But it's very difficult for students, particularly first years, to know a candidate and relate to them. In this spirit, I feel student elections should be reformed to reflect something those first-year students can relate to. And when I think about what my interests were first year, just one compound word comes up: MarioKart.
Moderator: Hello all, and welcome to this year's installment of the MarioKart Election Debates. We are broadcasting live from Princess Peach's Castle in the heartland of the Mushroom Kingdom. This evening we have eight candidates all vying for the esteemed position of ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom, with the award of the much sought-after Mushroom Cup. As most of our audience has grown up with these candidates, we will forego opening statements and begin with the Choco-Mountain-style barrage questions. First you, Mr. Kong. Critics have pointed out a troubling fact: You don't even live in the Mushroom Kingdom and therefore should not be in the running, let alone in this game. How do you respond?
Donkey Kong: :::Series of unintelligible grunts:::
Moderator: Provocative. Next question is for Mr. Yoshi. Actually, I imagine that's going to go similarly to what just happened with Mr. Kong. I guess my next question is for ...
Wario: I'd like to field a question.
Moderator: Settle down there, Mr. Wario. Don't cheat and jump ahead of me. This isn't Koopa Troopa Beach, am I right?
:::No one laughs:::
Moderator: Alright then. The next question is related to safety. There have been many concerns about the narrowness of wooden bridges over lava pits and giant flame-breathing statues in the vicinity of Bowser's Castle. If elected, what do you plan to do about these threats to the public good?
Bowser: Those accusations are baseless and evident of the general misunderstanding of the function of the Bowser's Castle area. We Bowsers are a peace-loving family and rumors of our systematic kidnapping of other royalty are grossly exaggerated. The "safety" precautions just mentioned are actually in place to protect us from the Mario Brothers Menace.
:::Dumbfounded Silence:::
Bowser: I, uh, mean ... "Raaawr." :::Bowser unenthusiastically jumps up and down in a semi-threatening manner:::
Moderator: Governor Toadstool, you are some sort of half-mushroom, half-human species. You're not even of an established mythical creature lineage. Explain yourself.
Toad: I'm an anthropomorphic mushroom and I'm proud to say I'm an anthropomorphic mushroom. Mushrooms are what built this kingdom and we will continue to strengthen it. We provide necessary boosts of energy in kart-related vehicles and are an established source of good in society. I pose a question to Mr. Mario: How often do you benefit from green mushrooms to provide you with the extra One-Up you've needed throughout the years? How often?
:::A green shell is hurled across the room:::
Moderator: Mr. Mario, that is enough! Governor Toad, you know there is no direct questioning of other candidates. However, I will point out that studies have shown time and time again that red mushrooms have triggered FG Syndrome in Mr. Mario and Mr. Luigi for the past 15 years. It's a sensitive issue.
Toad: I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with those studies or that term.
Moderator: FG Syndrome. Fluctuating Gigantism? The Mario Brothers have routinely seen their body mass double to an unhealthy level within seconds of coming into contact with a mushroom. This is followed by a crippling crash upon having the slightest harm inflicted upon them. In any case, it appears we are running low on time. Apologies to candidates we did not get to talk to. I know Mr. Luigi had interesting comments about Flower Cup reform and Lightning Bolt ethics that we just did not get to. In any case, good luck, good voting and -- :::A split-second before letting the candidates leave, they all press the gas and boost out of the studio, except for Wario, who just spins around in place:::
*Dear reader: In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have written an entire column on something so few people can relate to. Moral of the story: Avoid themes at all costs. Topic-jumping, irrelevant commentary to return next time.
Eric's column runs each Wednesday. He can be reached at cunningham@cavalierdaily.com.
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