With spring break officially starting this weekend and having unofficially begun for my brain and motivation last week, destinations around the world are about to be bombarded with drunk college students.
This is my first Spring Break going somewhere exciting (not that painting the rooms in the house wasn't thrilling last year, Mom), and I'm headed to Acapulco, Mexico. May God save my soul (and my dignity).
Despite the inevitable fun to be had, recent events have caused Spring Breaking to take a beating for all the safety issues it brings up. I hope everyone has received the lectures that I have from not only my older cousins, my great-aunts, my parents, my parents' best friends and my hair stylist regarding keeping my person intact for seven days in Mexico.
I can appreciate these lectures, for I'm sure that should my daughter tell me she's going to Mexico for her senior year of college spring break, I will demand heavy sedatives for myself and a GPS tracking system embedded in her bikini.
But, I'm a responsible human being, compared to a lot of people, so I feel somewhat patronized by these obvious nuggets of information being thrown at me. On the other hand, I won't lie because I'm worried for not only my liver because of the tequila, my skin because of the hot sun, and for any of my body parts that I might find missing and lost to the black market if I should wake up in an ice bath.
Everyone is being told the standard set of guidelines for Spring Break safety: staying with the group, keeping your money under a close eye, imbibing only drinks that you have seen poured and running from sketchy men offering you multi-colored pills. There are, however, some rules that I have been informed of from my more knowledgeable friends that all college students should know about Spring Break.
Apparently, while you are on Spring Break, everyone around you is a hazard to your fun. That's right. Not just the standard suspicious-looking individuals. The cab driver will stiff you on money or drive you to the local pay-by-the-hour hotel to pimp you out, the bartender will make your drinks so strong you end up face down on the bar by 11:07 a.m., and your roommates will probably lock you out of the room in an attempt to pull some Spring Break tail with that guy from Notre Dame.
The old X-Files mantra of "Trust No One" is the unofficial motto of Spring Break. Be careful; It's everyone for the college kids.
I was informed, when I showed my roommates the gold metallic bikini I was about to buy for Spring Break online, that your attire has a lot to do with your safety. Needless to say, the hooker bikini was vetoed by the prudes with whom I live (kidding), and I learned that the amount of material on your body is indirectly proportionate to the number of dirty men who hit on you. Apparently, this extends to guys also. Keep yourself well-covered or you will be subjected to dirty men cat-calling you just like us ladies.
This safety tip deals with water or beach sports while drunk: Tequila volleyball seemed like a good idea at the time, but when you wake up the next morning with sand in every possible crevice and bruises from diving into your teammates, keep in mind that sports and alcohol mix only when a) you're watching, b) it's kickball or c) you're drunk enough for the entire duration of the injury not to feel the pain. Super-competitive water polo or skim boarding may have the same disastrous effects.
Lastly, I had no idea that the plane ride to and from your destination is as much a party as your actual time on the ground. "WHAT?!" I said when I heard that there was raucous drinking while cruising at 30,000 feet. Universal Spring Break rule: If you drink too much on the plane, you're likely to start getting nauseous the moment the "Fasten Seatbelts" light comes on, and you're definitely going to need more than one of those little air sickness baggies. Keep it together when drinking on the plane, oh overzealous collegian. You've got a week of debauchery ahead of you -- pace yourself.
So, have a fantastic Spring Break! I hope you make it back to demure little C'ville in one piece, and if you missed out this year, laugh at the ridiculous stories your friends tell. You've always got next year.
Lindsay's column runs biweekly on Thursdays. She can be reached at mccook@cavalierdaily.com.
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