College kids are infamous members of society. We are stuck between our pending adulthood and recent adolescence, wanting our opinions to be heard on one hand, while shying away from the consequences on the other. We are notorious for taking on the world in every commitment and then bailing out at the last minute. Ask any professor and he or she will tell you that, though we want to be counted upon as important contributors, getting the 18-22 demographic to actually do something is close to impossible.
I have come to realize, in my long college career, that the majority of college students settle in their relationships with others and themselves. We accept mediocre love as the best we can get and chalk it up to being young. Or, if we don't settle, we find it difficult to find love interests and friends who are willing to step out of college's comfortable complacency.
In our relationships, we have come to accept as impressive what is normally, or at least should be, expected. Example: I have heard a few women swoon with affection for the frat star who actually walks her home after an evening together, instead of leaving her to climb out the window or brave the cold night air as many of his counterparts do. We think it's strange to expect the person we are dating to make sacrifices for us, like taking time out of his schedule to hang out with your friends or visit your family; and if we do not think it strange, we fear it will be perceived as such.
But why?
It is my conclusion, after four years of college dating and friendships, that the majority of relationships in college are based on convenience. First year, we all live and eat together and find that having many friends is easy, since they are all around us. Second year, as we move to apartments or student housing, some relationships thrive and others do not, often dependent upon where and with whom one lives, what clubs they are in and what classes they take.
Third and fourth year see much of the same except circumstances create more specific convenience issues. If a friend is dumped by a certain guy, typically his fraternity or group of friends gets cut off from the dumpee and her friends. Not out of loyalty, though this may be partly the cause, but often because it becomes less likely that these parties will be in proximity of one another.
When spring break trips are planned, the groups which travel together are often a combination of one person's willingness to plan and the group going along out of convenience. Group dinners, birthday parties and beach week are all examples of how convenience determines participants, which then affect relationships.
Many people may wonder why this is a problem. After all, it's no fun doing what feels like a chore. And really, doing what comes naturally is not a bad thing per se. It's what happens when acting out of what's easy inadvertently hurts those in your life.
People get hurt when their boyfriend, girlfriend or friends operate out of convenience and not thoughtful deliberation. When friends ditch you for dinner because another, more convenient plan arises, it hurts. When a friend refuses to work out relationship problems because it's emotionally inconvenient to be confronted or recognize weakness in oneself, it ruins relationships and compromises one's future ability to relate. When kids forget to call their parents, thank their professors or show up for an event they signed up for because it's not convenient, it jeopardizes hearts and reputations.
By recognizing in ourselves that we have a tendency to buy into the convenient plan and that convenience alone is often a bad reason for action, we will hopefully become better at caring for others. When we operate with a slightly sharpened intention, our respect for others is more apparent, our appreciation obvious. When we take the time to think about what we do, we are one step closer to adulthood, I guess, or at least working off that reputation we college kids have been acquiring.
Callan's column runs bi-weekly on Tuesdays. She can be reached at blount@cavalierdaily.com.
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