Last week, I saw dozens of little kids, no more than 5 or 6 years old, walking around Grounds. Surely, the University is no place for small children, so why would so many of them be at the University? What could they possibly be doing here?
Maybe one of them designed the new O-Hill, or maybe the Rotunda had been turned into a Discovery Zone. I later found out that (much to my chagrin) both of these were absolutely not true. From a vantage point in my unmarked white van, I watched the kids for a while, remembering my kindergarten days. What I wouldn't give now to play with puzzles, learn to count and weep openly when a teacher called on me and I didn't know the answer. I mean, it's been three weeks since I've done any of that stuff. I want that kind of freedom once more.
Watching a group of kindergarteners is like watching a group of howler monkeys -- they're loud, obnoxious and always slinging poop at each other. But seriously, kindergarteners form their own little social hierarchies just as the simian world does, and kids fall into some distinct functions in that society. There are at least five clearly defined roles in the kindergarten universe:
1) The Shy Kid: You know, the kid that wouldn't tell the teacher if he peed himself because he's too embarrassed. This guy would later grow up to be Video Games Kid.
2) The Horse Girl: This girl was completely enamored with everything equine-related. Her steady diet of oats and carrots quickly annoyed the rest of the class, not to mention keeping everyone up during naptime by whinnying repeatedly.
3) The Sound Effects Kid: This kid, somehow, would describe everything with noises and would constantly be making incredibly annoying sounds. Imagine that kid today:
"Hey, Roger, how's the Peterson deal coming along?"
"Well Sue, I just got off the phone with the Vermont office, when WHOOOOSH and I was like RATATATATTATTT and then she POWPOWBOOMPOW. I gotta run -- meeting with the new regional managers in 10 minutes. Good talk, Sue."
4) The Smart Kid: Most University students probably fell into this category. These were the kids who could read, count to 100 and were forced into spelling bees by their abusive parents by the time they were 6. Okay, maybe that was just me. Unfortunately, Smart Kid would later grow up into Virgin Kid.
5) The Boy Who Pulls His Spider-Man Tightie-Whities All The Way Down To His Ankles When He Pees Standing Up: The most hallowed and respected of all kindergarten niches, this boy refuses to do anything halfway and goes for the gold every time he goes into the bathroom. He also owns literally a dozen pairs of identical Spider-Man undies. Truly an American hero.
Ah, how I long for the days when everything was so simple. I mean, honestly -- how sweet would it be if there was a University-sanctioned Nap Time? Or, instead of that 400-level Medieval French class you need for your major, the boys could just chase the girls around the Lawn for an hour? How have we let our lives grow so complicated?
Some might say, "Well, Brendan, as we get older our cognitive capacity increases by leaps and bounds and we become more adaptive to social change and complexity in our lives." Baloney. That's Smart Kid talking right there. What we need in this world are more Sound-Effects Kids, more kickball, more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. This world would be a lot more fun, and a hell of a lot simpler, if everyone would just shut up and watch "The Magic School Bus" for a little while.
Imagine such a world: no wars -- just hide and seek. No jobs -- just playing on the playground. Why do we hold our childhood memories so dear? Perhaps we fear taking responsibility, or don't want to admit that we don't have any plans for our lives.
Yet, the more I think about it, the more I realize that college is a lot like kindergarten: we can nap whenever we want, we don't really cook for ourselves and we spend our weekends getting drunk. Sadly, our lives cannot be as easy as a kindergartener's. Ms. Frizzle, Master Splinter, R.L. Stine and the Power Rangers, those sages of the kid universe, must forever exist only in the past. However, that won't stop me from wearing my own Spider-Man Tightie-Whities -- ever.
Brendan's column runs bi-weekly on Mondays. He can be reached at collins@cavalierdaily.com.
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