ARIES: You will run into Lance Armstrong in the men's apparel department at Sears. After careful planning, you will meet him at the register, peer at his purchases and say, "I see you've made your 'Tour de Pants.'" He will punch you in the jawbone.
TAURUS: You share your astrological name with a reasonably priced mid-size sedan. Deal with it.
GEMINI: You will be enjoying yourself at a stellar football game at Scott Stadium, when, suddenly, disaster strikes, as the blimp providing aerial coverage for the game will get caught in a downward draft and crash into New Cabell Hall. Thinking clearly amidst the ensuing confusion, you will say with cutting wit, "Ohhh the humanities!"
CANCER: You will be paying your respects at an open-casket funeral and will be tormented by the prospect of fulfilling your life-long dream of performing a wedgie on a dead guy. Despite the likelihood of being branded a freak, you decide to go ahead and do it. Just then, however, none other than Bill Nye the Science Guy comes out of nowhere and steals your thunder, delivering an astonishing wedgie himself on the corpse. The crowd reaction will be as follows:
Mourner 1: "Oh my goodness, did that man just give a wedg -- hey, is that Bill Nye?"
Mourner 2: "The Science Guy?"
Mourner 1 (sarcastically): "Nooo, the other Bill Nye ... stupid."
Mourner 3: "Wait, I thought Bill Nye died."
Mourner 4: "No way, dude."
Mourner 5: "I think you're thinking of Weird Al Yankovic's parents."
Mourner 6: "Oh no, they died?"
Mourner 5: "Yeah, dude, carbon monoxide poisoning."
Mourner 7: "Geez. I mean that's just not right. That shouldn't happen. Not in America, at least."
Mourner 4 (belligerently): "Oh, so it'd be ok if it happened in, like, Afghanistan, but just not here?"
Mourner 5: "Yeah, what are you saying, you think we deserve special privileges just because we live in a developed country??"
Mourner 3: "Everyone just calm down, that's not what he meant."
Mourner 7: "Actually, it -- it sort of was."
You: "Um, hello! Bill Nye just gave that dead guy a wedgie!"
Mourner 2: "Wait, who's Bill Nye again?"
LEO: You will become convinced that Copernicus' theory about the planets orbiting around the sun is in fact false, and so you will travel back in time to kick Galileo's ass-tronomy once and for all. However, one of his henchmen, a crazy Irishman named Healy O'Centric, will mercilessly beat you down before you get 'er done. You will return to the present day and eat/drink a "Soup at Hand" that you steal from Aquarius' section of the pantry.
VIRGO: Whenever I do a search on your library database, I either get 0 matches or 50,000. I hate you.
LIBRA: You will transfer into the E-School thinking that you have entered the Education School, when you have in actuality entered the Engineering School. You have absolutely no interest in either field, so you decide to stay put.
SCORPIO: You will be pulled over by University Police. You will be administered a U.Va.-flavored sobriety test in which you will have to recite the "Wahoowa" cheer straight through without messing up. You will perform perfectly, since you, like most people, are always inebriated when reciting this cheer.
SAGITTARIUS: You have a certain je ne sais quoi. Or, as the French say, you have a ... wait, that is French already.
CAPRICORN: You will be playing a game of scrabble with President Casteen, and on his first turn he will pick the following letters out of the bag, in order: "C", "A", "S", "T", "E", "E", and "N". You will realize that he is in fact a wizard after all and will fall in love with him. But at the same time, you will be forced to challenge his word as a proper noun, forcing him to surrender his triple-word score.
AQUARIUS: "Soup at Hand?" No, I haven't seen your "Soup at Hand." Wait, you saw Leo eating/drinking one? Well, maybe you should go tell him to unhand your soup ... at hand.
PISCES: You will order Chinese food for delivery. You will receive a fortune cookie with your dinner special. You will crack open the cookie and pull out the fortune and read it. Got that? Ok, whatever that says, just go with it. I'm too tired to get involved in your life.
Dan's column runs biweekly on Fridays. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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