Yesterday The Cavalier Daily reported that the University's own Mock Trial Club won the Collegiate Mock Trial National Championship in glitzy Des Moines, Iowa. In celebration of fake legality, here's a recap of the different cases that tend to come up in the world of hypothetical lawsuits.
Plaintiff Mick Jagger v. Defendant Outback Steakhouse Guy
Issue: Copyright infringement, bearing the uncanny likeness of a celebrity, accents resulting in hilarity.
Plaintiff The E! Channel v. Defendant VH1 Networks
Issue: Stealing the idea of an entire schedule of programming based around the lives and gossip of pseudo-celebrities and their zany adventures.
Comedy Central v. The E! Channel
Issue: Stealing the idea of continual showing of old episodes of "Saturday Night Live."
CMT v. Comedy Central
Issue: With the ubiquitous Blue Collar Comedy Tour and Blue Collar TV, stealing the idea of catering programming to the Appalachianly-inclined.
Sonic the Hedgehog v. Dr. Robotnik
Issue: Operating without a medical license, precarious set-up of buried spikes, grand ring theft.
University of Virginia v. UC Berkley
Issue: So much latent anger. I've said it time and time again and I hope it's put on my gravestone: Damn you, U.S. News & World Reports!
Eric Cunningham v. Friend Who IMs Me with a Question Even Though My Away Message Clearly States I am Working on a Paper at 3 a.m.
Issue: I'm trying to write a paper. But you know I'm at my computer typing so suddenly I'm the bad friend if I don't reply. Big AIM faux pas. Someone needs to set up some rules for this.
Fez from "That '70s Show" v. Balki Bartokomous from "Perfect Strangers"
Issue: Both claim title of the "Most Notable Foreign Character in a Longstanding Series that at Times Crosses into the Realm of Being Borderline Offensive to Actual People From Other Countries." Entering a joint opinion: Fentruck from "Doug."
Eric Cunningham v. Facebook
Issue: By adding the feature that organizes the most recently updated profiles by their order of updatedness, you've reduced the power of the black hole of time that is Facebook. Return to your anti-productive roots. Opinion of the Court: Bring back the "Visualize your Friends" thing.
Logic v. The Beautiful Truck
Issue: If you get hit by a truck, regardless of any magic powers invested therein, your physical state afterward is probably questionable at best.
Birthday Gifts v. Books
Issue: In the offering of a book as a ceremonial gift of celebration of the anniversary of one's birth, the statement being made is, "Here. You get nothing now, but later you may or may not enjoy yourself after investing hours into this endeavor," which runs quite counter to the Spirit of Birthdays.
The Spirit of Birthdays v. Eric Cunningham
Issue: Defendant forgets that Calvin & Hobbs books are always a good choice.
America v. Tim Allen
Issue: The encouragement to express greater control over the selection of movies to be in. Acceptable: "Toy Story," "Home Improvement: The Movie." Unacceptable: "The Santa Clause 2," "Christmas with the Cranks."
Note: Future cases will be measured against the newly-established "Disney-Christmas Test," whereas a movie may be either Disney-based or Christmas-based, but not both.
Tim Allen v. Eric Cunningham
Issue: "Home Improvement: The Movie" does not exist. Yet. :::Manly grunting:::
Eric's column runs each Wednesday. He can be reached at cunningham@cavalierdaily.com.
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