As most of you know, this Monday every structure in Shanty Town, also known as Tent City, also known as The Sleeping Bag-ademical Village, was issued a memorandum from Executive Vice President Leonard Sandridge stating that the structures be removed from Madison Hall by 10 a.m. the next morning. In response to this, a vigorous battle of protesting rights and administrative powers has erupted.
But have no fear. I, a humble Life columnist, have brokered peace between the Living Wage Campaign and the administration. In the process, we have created the greatest document of student self-governance ever penned. Considered to be a blatant, uncited rip-off of historical documents, I believe I am liable to be brought up on honor charges for it. A small price to pay for eternal University justice. It serves as both a Declaration of Independence and a Constitution in one: It's University efficiency at work. Inspired by Jefferson himself, I begin.
When, in the course of pitching some tents, it becomes necessary for one People to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another. These bands can be metaphorical, but specifically they refer to the bongo-drum band on the steps of Madison Hall.
The people of Tent City, in order to form a strong labor Union, do ordain and establish this Resolution of the Living Wage Tent Issue.
Whereas, the Living Wage students shall henceforth not refer to the President of the University as "John Cast-mean, the Turd."
Whereas, Coach Groh will visit Tent City on a bi-monthly basis handing out pizza and Orange Fever t-shirts. He shall also pose awkwardly for photos.
Whereas, the living wage students shall cease the adoption of thin blue wrist ribbons as being, "too Kabbalah-y."
Whereas, the President of the University shall stop grumbling the phrase, "Git off of my lawn!" in pajamas and a flannel robe while standing atop Carr's Hill.
Whereas, the Living Wage Campaign shall cease from using poorly Xeroxed handouts, and shall be given a month's "EZ-Pass" to a nearby Kinko's establishment.
Whereas, President Casteen shall receive a living wage of his own. However, said wage will be indexed to be a living wage for Orange County, Calif. And will also be the recipient of the annual "President's Ginormous Bonus of Excellence" award.
Whereas, cameras and video-recording devices at living wage events must always outnumber individuals two-to-one.
Whereas, first years will be issued maps to figure out where Madison Hall is.
Whereas, the Market Wage Campaign shall cease their graph-oriented chalking and return to their regular practices of swimming through giant vats of money and learning the true meaning of Christmas.
Whereas, the Living Wage Campaign shall cease chalking "10.72" all over Grounds. This is being requested by the moderator, Eric Cunningham, as he does not appreciate his PIN number being posted all over the place.
Resolved,
Students will continue being students, administrators will continue being administrators and, in 10 years' time, we'll all look back at this and smile at the exercise of the spirit of student self-governance.
Well ... probably not Casteen. He seems pretty upset.
Eric's column runs each Wednesday. He can be reached at cunningham@cavalierdaily.com.
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