Days on the Lawn began this week and, at the same time, my graduation is just around the corner.
Contemplating these two bookends of college life made me realize that I've seen a lot of change in my time at the University.
I've witnessed the births of the new O-Hill and the John Paul Jones Arena. I've seen our football team rise and fall and then rise again. I've weathered two hurricanes and maybe half a snowstorm. I've personally changed immeasurably.
And, as my time here draws to a close, I can't help but wonder what more will befall this place in the next four years.
So, in the spirit of the great Conan O'Brien, I've decided to take a look into the future ... all the way to the year 2010.
[Cue high-pitched singer]
I now present a look at what will transpire here at the University, in Virginia and in the world in the year 2010:
Jason Cain, Cavman and Politics Prof. Larry J. Sabato will come together in a night of ardent passion that will -- through a miracle of nature -- somehow produce a child. This child, though female, will have the finest mustache ever seen by man or beast.
In retaliation for being booted from the Virginia Tech football team, Marcus Vick will make an attempt on Frank Beamer's life. Luckily, the bullet will strike Beamer in his massive goiter and be harmlessly absorbed.
The age-old battle over the single sanction will finally be resolved when both sides realize that they -- like everyone else -- really don't care.
Baton Girl and I will marry and produce a bounty of beautiful baton-twirling babies, leading a traveling family half-time show that will quickly become world-famous. Jump Rope Guy will drive our tour bus and entertain undesirables outside our parties.
A real movie theater will finally come to Charlottesville. Unfortunately, residents will be so confused by its "advanced" technology that they'll denounce the superior sound quality, cleanliness and seating as a product of "the black arts." The theater will be burned to the ground by an angry mob that will then return to the Regal to be wowed yet again by that nifty roller-coaster intro reel.
After yet another disappointing basketball season, Virginia Tech will hire ex-Cavaliers coach Pete Gillen. Gillen will lead the Hokies to two national championships without using a single timeout. Tragically, however, Gillen will be so excited after winning his second title that he'll trip and fall during the celebration, drowning in a deep puddle of his own sweat.
Aliens will try to make contact with our planet. Unfortunately, they'll attempt to send their message through the Adelphia Cable satellite, which will be "temporarily" out of service. After repeated calls to schedule a repair appointment, the aliens will interpret the slow service as a sign of hostility and send an attack fleet to destroy Earth.
Fortunately for our planet, the aliens will first colonize Hereford Residential College. They'll be so appalled by the experience that they'll quickly leave Earth and fly their spaceship directly into the Sun. Hereford will be designated a national monument, though not a single person will ever visit.
The University will create its own brand of coffee simply called, "U.Va. Grounds."
After a freak streaking accident leaves one student in a naked coma, stoplights will be placed at each Lawn pavilion to better manage streaking traffic. When these stoplights inevitably malfunction, the term "fender bender" will gain entirely new meaning.
Disgusted with the partisan battles that have consumed the country for the past decade, the nation will elect University President John T. Casteen, III to the Oval Office. Things will run smoothly until the nation's GPA falls below a 2.0 and Casteen withdraws America from the Olympics as punishment. Casteen's presidency will end tragically when Dick Cheney mistakes him for a bird.
Yes, the future looks bright at the University. Though I'll soon be leaving the University and this publication, I'm sure the next four years will bring wonders that even this column cannot yet contemplate, though none quite as wondrous as the mustache on that beautiful baby girl.
Dan's column runs bi-weekly on Mondays. He can be reached at danstrong@cavalierdaily.com.
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