Dear Inside Review Section of the U.S. Government,
I am writing to ask for an extension on my tax forms. I was not aware that I had to file taxes this year. I thought the rule was, "Under 21, more money for more fun! Over 22, the IRS gonna screw you." Please let me know when the extended deadline for my taxes is.
Dear Internal Revenue Service,
I am sorry. I thought you were the section of the government that reviews the secret inside dealings of ordinary American citizens by wiretapping our phones. My bad. After your denial of my request, I tried to find the forms I needed. I currently only have a W-2 form and no W-1 form. Can you tell me what it looks like? Is it in anyway related to A-1 steak sauce? Because that stuff is really delicious.
Dear IRS,
I don't understand the directions you sent me. The boxes labeled "wages" and "federal income tax withheld" are empty. Should I just guesstimate my salary? Holla back at your girl!
IRS,
You are so sassy. The FAQ page on your Web site has only intrigued me further. Can I claim a dependent? My daughter Tamber lives with me. She was born in 1996. Word on the street is that Tamber, as my dependent, can net me a $3,200 exemption. True or false?
IRS,
I did not realize it was a federal offense to lie on your tax forms or lie to a government agency. Most importantly, I did not realize you have access to birth records. Tamber is my daughter, but she is also a "champagne"-colored Honda. I take care of her as if she were a child birthed from my own womb. I rub suntan lotion into her seats to keep her leather skin supple. I make unfulfilled promises for her future. "Tamber, if you make it through this yellow light, I'll buy you Supreme gas next time instead of siphoning it." Basically, Tamber is my child. But if I can't cite her as a dependent, can I still use her for a tax exemption?
IRS,
Why yes, yes I do have a job that requires a car. While you are filling out that form for me, I have included a list of other business expenses you need to take care of. Thanks!
IRS,
No, I do not have a receipt for those items. What I do have is an AIM conversation with my friend, who is in the COMMERCE SCHOOL and knows about things like taxes and money.
WinnieIsSmrt: Holla girl. What is up?
FoxtrotJediKnight: I am busy in a group meeting.
WinnieIsSmrt: That is cool. I need help with my taxes.
FoxtrotJediKnight: I am a little busy, can we talk about this later?
WinnieIsSmrt: If I am selling makeup and I sell some lipstick at the grocery store, are my groceries tax deductible?
FoxtrotJediKnight: Winnie, I have to focus on my group meeting.
WinnieIsSmrt: Because if I wasn't at the grocery store buying groceries, I wouldn't have been able to sell makeup and therefore I wouldn't be making a living.
FoxtrotJediKnight: OK, good luck. I hope you are not deported.
As you can see, she clearly supports my thesis. Please refund me my grocery money for the year 2005.
IRS,
Sorry for the confused identity again. IRS, INS -- the one letter difference throws me off. If I cannot be refunded my grocery money, can I be refunded the money I paid for Social Security and Medicare? I heard on the news that the people with Medicare deal generic Canadian drugs to the people without Medicare. I am as much for "medical" marijuana as the next person, but I cannot support anything that brings Canada profits. I am still angry at Canada for what its geese did to Tamber.
IRS,
I understand that Social Security and Medicare are non-refundable and non-debatable issues. I also understand that since I did make less than $8,200, I do not have to file taxes this year and I do not need that deadline extension. Thanks!!
Winnie's column runs bi-weekly on Thursdays. She can be reached at winnie@cavalierdaily.com.
Read More
It’s okay not to be okay
By Mai Hukuoka | 3 days agoWhether talking to a friend, a loved one or a professional, it is so necessary, and human, to need more than you can provide for yourself.
Taking a break at Tangerines Kitchen
By Charley Thomas | 5 days agoWhat the restaurant somewhat lacks in ambiance, it compensates for in tasty dishes and prompt service.
Virginia Policy Lab — a hub for student-led policy action
By Katherine Haden | December 9, 2024Students propose their own projects and collaborate with other members to research their issues of interest, brainstorm solutions and write policy proposals.
