The Lawn, in addition to being Charlottesville's most famous nudist gathering point, also happens to be the University's most prestigious on-Grounds housing. Only the best and brightest get to live there, and the Lawn always ends up looking like the University's version of the Hamptons. If Hereford were Pittsburgh, then the Lawn would be Laguna Beach. Every year, the Lawn is populated with a rich, diverse and broad group from all walks of white people's lives -- just kidding. Well, half-kidding.
Drawn from all backgrounds here at the University, Lawnies are all hard-working, worldly and accomplished fourth years who will doubtless go on to upper-management glory. The average student's (i.e. my) perception of a Lawnie is an overachieving white guy named Blakeley Rutherford, IV, dressed in a seersucker suit while sipping a mint julep in a rocking chair outside his room. After some research I was completely flabbergasted to find that my perception of Lawnies was wrong. Turns out, there are not only women on the Lawn, but surprisingly few Colonel Sanders look-alikes as well. In the spirit of Life columns recently consisting solely of lists, here's another one -- the general breakdown of some different types of Lawnies:
Politicos -- You all know them. They're power hungry, good-looking and have the ideological loyalty of a John Kerry-style flip-flopper on speed. Lots of talk, but little action -- unless, of course, that action is shaking hands with Tim Kaine or George Allen. Now, I'm not saying these people aren't hardworking or good leaders. What I am saying is StudCo needs a Curran-style leadership coup. (Am I right?)
U-Guides -- Ninety percent of third year U-Guides apply for a Lawn room. One in five of next year's Lawnies are U-Guides. Coincidence? Probably not. In addition to being eloquent and personable, the average U-Guide is also a hardworking and well-rounded student, totally apt to give tours to eager potential Wahoos. What the U-Guides don't show off to prospective students are the puke stains in front of Pavilion VIII from the night before.
Jefferson Society Members -- These bright young lads and lasses are the University's finest literary talents. The Jeff Society also scores incredibly high not only in debating prowess, but also on the "Pretentious-O-Meter." Rating second of all student groups on Grounds, the Jeffs fell just short of the all-time high set last semester by the entire staff of the Dec [zing!].
Honor Committee Members -- As the University's moral compass, Honor members run a tight ship. They don't take any guff. One strike and you're out. Unless that strike isn't that serious.But all other offenses are considered with steadfast vigilance ... except cheating.
Fraternity/Sorority People -- These are the people who, immediately upon moving into their Lawn rooms, create either a bar under their lofted bed or authentic Jeffersonian curtains. These Greek heroes have ascended to the top of their respective Pantheons, soaring on the wings of Hermes to bask in the ... alright, enough Greek jokes. There's nothing more refined and dignified than pledging a Greek organization, as you do push-ups for six hours while covered in Crisco or black out at noon during Foxfields.
The Funny Guy -- this guy is the missing link in the Lawn tree of life. Nobody knows how he got there. In a sea of overachievement, this guy (and it's always a guy) is the comic relief for the Academical Village. He's Carrot Top, Larry the Cable Guy and Tim Allen all rolled into one out-of-place sack of comedy. While the rest of the Lawnies are writing their theses or studying for LSATs, this guy is playing Mario Kart 64.
The Activist Girl -- This Birkenstock-clad, soy-loving girl (always a girl) does it all -- Madison House, Alternative Spring Break, you name it. A few weeks ago, I almost got Parkinson's disease because she forced me to eat so many damn pancakes. However, I've discovered that the current Lawnie Activist Girl (who shall remain nameless) actually doesn't like poor people.
Of course, I kid. I kid because I'm jealous. Lawnies get to live in arguably the most prestigious university housing in America, in addition to the opportunity to pee in sinks without backlash. In all seriousness, though, I'd love to live there. However, I'm worried I don't have the right credentials. I like to think that I'm a well-rounded person. I mean, I have leadership potential, and I care about stuff ... I guess. My background sounds suspiciously like that of The Funny Guy, so maybe there's hope for me yet. If I do get picked, though, I'll be sure to bring my seersucker suit -- just in case.
Brendan's column runs bi-weekly on Mondays. He can be reached at collins@cavalierdaily.com.
Read More
I’m 20 and single — now what?
By Madigan Wirkus | 10 hours agoI stopped experimenting, exploring and entertaining to settle for what would be “comfortable” for him, and by association, myself. Now, “me” is all I am striving to get back.
In the Divine Nine, members uphold a rich legacy that spans generations
By Mia Tan | YesterdayWhen students join the Divine Nine, they devote themselves to a life of scholarship, service and brotherhood or sisterhood.
The Race Card Project invites students to reflect on race in just six words
By Katherine Haden and Malaika Rehman | 3 days agoSpearheaded at the University by the Office of African American Affairs, the Race Card Project offers a space for students to engage in a conversation about race in a creative, yet structured manner
