Brendan: For many fourth years, this will be the last Life column they read as students. We want nothing more than to end their illustrious Cav Daily-reading careers on a high note, and really go out with a bang. Unfortunately, we can't do that.
Dan: The Cav Daily enforces a strict quality limit for each issue. This explains not only the lack of interesting news headlines but also the entire "tableau" section.
Brendan: In the spirit of mediocrity to which this paper so boldly adheres, we hereby present a moderately compelling recapitulation of the year's highlights.
Dan: "Recapitulation?" I thought this was a "Year in review."
Brendan: Same thing, dumbass.
Dan: Oh. Then we'll start from the beginning. The University was founded in 1819, and the first students desce-
Brendan: Idiot! This is supposed to be about the past year only.
Dan: Fine. The year kicked off with a performance by everyone's favorite incredibly creepy hypnotist, Tom Deluca. And man, I haven't seen an act quite like that since I saw THE EXACT SAME ACT last year. But the year also featured the oft-delayed grand opening of the new Observatory Hill dining hall.
Brendan: Students who missed the old O-Hill were saddened to see it go but were consoled by the familiar sight of Dean's ponytail, though embittered by his familiar self-righteous attitude.
Dan: Students who missed the Treehouse were also happy to see their tuition dollars go to good work, as the former Alderman Road landmark was replaced by a barren field.
Brendan: The first real news event of the school year, if you remember, was Hurricane Katrina's destruction of New Orleans. The University witnessed an influx of students from several Big Easy schools. Coincidentally, during this period the University's "Sleaze" rating in the Princeton Review skyrocketed.
Dan: It really makes me hope for a devastating avalanche in Sweden, so that some of their sexy college chicks would transfer here.
Brendan: ... Inappropriate.
Dan: I'm just glad Louisiana residents could finally pay their due respects to Thomas Jefferson, who purchased their land way back in 1803.
Brendan: Speaking of really old things that America has taken from Europe, The Rolling Stones made an appearance at Scott Stadium last semester, to much fanfare.
Dan: Yeah dude, tell me about fan fare. I spent like 400 bucks for 3 tickets! What a rip-off.
Brendan: You're gonna tell me that it wasn't worth it to see Mick Jagger and Keith Richards up close and personal?
Dan: If by "up close" you mean "from really, really far away." I'm pretty sure my seats were somewhere in Fluvanna County.
Brendan: Come on, they're living legends!
Dan: Barely living. They're so old they played the halftime show at the Second Continental Congress. I hear they get senior citizen parking for their tour bus.
Brendan: I think that 50-minute break for the "bomb threat" was just a cover so the band could go take a nap, as well as change Keith's diaper.
Dan: Moving on, Scott Stadium was host to another landmark event last October -- Virginia's upset victory over the Florida State Seminoles.
Brendan: That was exhilarating. I really liked the part where I got my neck stomped on by 300 drunken, stiletto-clad sorority girls.
Dan: Marques Hagans put on a truly awe-inspiring performance, connecting for 27 of 36 pass attempts and throwing for 306 yards. Afterwards, the quarterback expressed his glee, saying, "I felt like a god out there. I felt like I was six feet tall."
Brendan: What's really great is that the rest of the Cavaliers' season lived up to the high standard set by that stellar game. Al Groh sure is earning his $1.7 million contract.
Dan: Wait, $1.7 million?! Wow, apparently money does Groh on trees.
Brendan: ...
Dan: I -- I'm sorry.
Brendan: Oct. 27, the stalking world was changed forever when Mark Zuckerberg added a groundbreaking feature to Facebook, namely the ability to post online photo albums and see additional pictures of friends. Since then, I've lost all will to engage in social interaction and am no longer considered a son by my parents.
Dan: Oct. 27, 2005: The last time Brendan Collins saw the light of day. Damn you, Mark Zuckerberg! Brendan was a good man!
Brendan: Well, decent, at least. Anyways, that covers the fall. Nothing particularly exciting happened for the rest of the semester, and winter break was especially useless this year.
Dan: That's not true, I bought ... stamps.
Brendan: Stamps? Really?!
Dan: Well, no. I was exaggerating. See, I meant to buy stamps, but then I decided to wait until the price goes down.
Brendan: Moving on, those who stayed in C-ville for the January term got an extra special treat when absolutely nothing happened.
Dan: Second semester started off with that time-honored University tradition, Greek Rush.
Brendan: Ahhhh, Rush. I really liked the part where I got my neck stomped on by 300 drunken, popped-collared frat dudes.
Dan: You're a bitter man. You're bitterer than a skunked keg of Natty. And what's with you always lying down in front of alcohol-induced human stampedes?
Brendan: I have my quirks.
Dan: Man, Rush was insane this year. Do you remember that one party?
Brendan: No, I don't.
Dan: Exactly!
Brendan: As the semester progressed, students were pleased to hear that the University was endorsing the Semester at Sea program, allowing Wahoos to circle the globe and take classes simultaneously.
Dan: I spent a semester at sea once. I was looking for the ITC Help Desk and wound up hopelessly lost. That was rough.
Brendan: You mean the ITC Help Desk located at 2015 Ivy Road, first floor, room 116?
Dan: I hate you. Anyway, it wasn't all smooth sailing for the program this semester, either. Unfortunately for second-year Gilligan Smith and others, their three-month tour turned out quite tragic indeed. They will now spend eternity in syndication.
Brendan: The Virginia men's basketball team posted a remarkable season in their own right, defying everyone's expectations and making it all the way to the NCAA Final Four.
Dan: Dude, that was George Mason.
Brendan: Perhaps.
Dan: New coach Dave Leitao really turned some heads around the Athletic office, as his team won some key upsets early in the season.
Brendan: The "Last Ball in U-Hall" ended with disappointment, however, as the Cavaliers lost to Virginia Tech by one point. The Hoo Crew closed out their own season with their "Last Bawl in U-Hall" following the loss. They're a little dramatic.
Dan: The spring months mean only one thing for many students: the arrival of Springfest. By many students, of course, I mean a few select members of the University Programs Council. Nobody else.
Brendan: What are you talking about? Everyone goes to Springfest. It's by far the best attended of the seasonal fests. Besides, when else do you get to see a person eat five gallons of ice cream as fast as they can, outside of Louie Anderson's birthday party?
Dan: Did you actually just make a Louie Anderson reference? As in the former host of "Family Feud" and the fat kid from "Life with Louie?"
Brendan: He did the dad's voice, too.
Dan: Can you leave?
Brendan: Not yet, we haven't gotten to the biggest topic of the year: the "living wage" controversy.
Dan: Ah yes, the campaign that seeks to establish an hourly wage of $10.72 for entry-level University employees. It has met with strong resistance from University officials.
Brendan: I have a message for all the protesters: The 60s called, and they want their activism, hair and bathing schedules back.
Dan: Seventeen students even managed to stage a sit-in inside Madison Hall before they were arrested for trespassing. President Casteen was incensed, as the sitters relentlessly blocked the path from his office to his private sauna, massage chambers and champagne fountain.
Brendan: See, even Casteen is suffering. But there's an easy solution to all of this: All Casteen has to do is accept the wage increase and then immediately fire all entry-level employees. Everybody wins!
Dan: You are the most callous, heartless person I've ever encountered. You are flat-out dumb. Have you ever even heard of economics?
Brendan: Of course not. I hadn't even heard of the "living wage" until about 10 minutes ago. I have no idea what either side of the debate stands for; I just really like to type. Type type type.
Dan: I don't know how to respond to that.
Brendan: So how are we supposed to wrap up this recapitulation?
Dan: Hmm
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