"I have a confession to make: I'm from Utah."
That's the way I started this column, and now, in its last edition, I find the words increasingly less relevant.
A few years ago, after one of my professors first bored me into reading one of these columns and I found myself thinking, "Hey, I could probably use that many pop culture references to be as self-deprecating," I was eventually placed at the helm of my very own bi-weekly column. My home state was a massive part of my identity. As you can see from the caption on my goofy picture, I even named my column after it.
My first column was all about Utah. In it, I described my shock at discovering college life after spending my first 18 years in a place where the morality of caffeine consumption is a topic of real debate. I confessed to usually claiming to be from Phoenix when I met new people to avoid the follow-up questions about religion and how many wives I have. I compared myself to Superman, the last son of a dead world trying to make his way in a new and different place despite his god-like supernatural abilities. Superman is the last son of Krypton, and I was the last of the Utahans.
But, as I began to adapt to life at the University, all of that started to seem less important. This column became less about Utah and more about Charlottesville. My ornery attacks on local customs, businesses, organizations and people became a bi-weekly occurrence.
Constant targets of mine, including Adelphia Communications, Regal Cinemas, Kroger, the door-holding phenomenon, Hereford and Jump Rope Guy can now again rest easy ... at least until some other savvy student in love with his own little thoughts readies his own aim against these bastions of moral decay and social injustice.
Yet even these institutions that I so despise have become a more important part of me than Utah ever was. As I move on to smaller and lesser things like adulthood, full-time employment and balding, I find I'm going to miss Charlottesville, the University and much of what I spent the last dozen or so columns railing against.
I've grown accustomed to holding the door for people, inefficient as it may be. I've gotten used to constantly looking over my shoulder and being aware of my exits while grocery shopping, and it just won't be the same without that life-threatening excitement. I'll miss tuning into "The Sopranos" with my friends only to be puzzled by Tony's astonishing new static-colored suit.
And sure, the movies I see elsewhere in the future will have superior sound and picture quality, but will they have local cops stationed outside for no apparent reason? I'm afraid they won't, and I'll miss that Southern quaintness. I think I might even miss Heref ... no, I hope Hereford rots in hell.
But my point is that, as hard as it was for me to adjust to life in Charlottesville, it's now difficult to imagine living anywhere else. I'm going to miss it here, and I'm going to miss this column.
My favorite moments have included:
1. The time Baton Girl actually contacted me after reading about the passionate future I have planned for us.
2. The letter I received from Dr. Curran-Kelly of U-Mass calling me "an embarrassment to my institution and myself" for making fun of Hereford. I sent her a graduation invite this week.
3. Angering hundreds of Techies by making an uncouth joke about Frank Beamer's goite -- ahem -- "burn scar." The 20-plus e-mails I received from them were varying degrees of hilarity. One called for me to "move to Afghanistan" and another called me a "nose-pickin' chicken." Frankly, I'm still surprised that so many Hokies are literate.
4. Times when people actually recognized me from the column and my "I'm from Phoenix" line was not quite as convincing.
I've certainly had some good times with these 750 words. I hope you've had half as much fun reading as I've had writing.
Shout-outs and endless love to my roommates Andy, Drew, Eric and Gavin for acting as sounding boards and giving me puzzled and confused looks when the jokes weren't so great. Thanks to my editors for not cutting much.
And thanks to all of you at the University for creating a community in which I now feel very at home.
When I head out into the "real world," and people ask me where I'm from, I'm not going to say "Phoenix." I'm not even going to say "Utah." No, I'll claim to be a Virginian. And, in most ways that matter, it won't be a lie.
Dan's column ran bi-weekly on Mondays. He can be reached at danstrong@cavalierdaily.com.
Read More
Holding onto every grain in the hourglass
By Mai Hukuoka | 12 hours agoNow that I’m back at school, I have made it my mission to take note of the sneaky passage of time.
Students brave the cold for a whirlwind sorority rush
By Mia Tan | 2 days agoStudents recount a mix of emotions from rush, with some disappointed after dropping from the recruitment process and others ecstatic to join Greek life.
Top 10 ways to avoid burnout this semester
By Sam Saks | 3 days agoAs you settle into this semester, try implementing these 10 tactics to take care of yourself and wave goodbye to burnout.
