When I woke up Saturday morning and realized that no one had pulled an April Fool's Day prank, I was sorely disappointed in the world.
When I woke up Sunday morning and found out I had been cheated out of an hour's worth of sleep, I thought, "The day after April Fool's Day ... I didn't even see it coming! World, you got me. Well played, well played."
Within the world of "Law & Order," I believe the phrase, "You can't do this to me!" as uttered while being read one's rights should be considered a legal confession.
The other day I realized that famed actor Billy Dee Williams's birth name is William D. Williams. You are subtly cruel, Mother Williams.
:::Pause while most readers go, "Where do I know that name from?" ... where others immediately respond with, "Ah yes, Lando Calrissian, former administrator of Cloud City, featured prominently in the Empire Strikes Back," and then quickly turn bright red, pretending like they're shocked they remembered that:::
At 9 p.m. on Sunday night, many of us television-addicted college students found ourselves in a predicament of a lifetime. Somewhere, the programming gods thought it was a good idea to broadcast "24," the basketball game and "Deal or No Deal" at the exact same time. I desperately flipped between channels attempting to yell at poor counterterrorism maneuvering, ball-handling and briefcase management, respectively. Then I realized that my picture-in-picture capabilities could finally come in to play. Triumphantly, I watched Jack Bauer blow some stuff up, while simultaneously watching the other two. Then fate bested me yet again when "24" went to its split-screen format and I had to try to figure out why Jack Bauer would be calling Howie Mandel.
I love "24" way too much. I watched "60 Minutes" the other day and, frankly, was wholly unimpressed. First off, the ticking stopwatch needs to be more computerized and high-pitched. Also, Andy Rooney is just not a convincing expert on counter-terrorist torturology.
This week, critics took the opportunity of college basketball coverage to lob allegations that college athletics programs distract student-athletes from academics. It's a fair assessment, though I would be willing to say the biggest threat to academic performance in my life is Sudoku. But then again, I'm incredibly unathletic.
Yesterday, the Office of Admissions announced that it had accepted 36 percent of all applicants for the class of 2010. I ask that you now take the time to shudder at the phrase, "Class of 2010."
At the next major event at the University with a large crowd, I'd really like to dress up in a red and white striped shirt, blue jeans, poofy ball hat, and just quietly stand in the middle of a bunch of people, just waiting for someone to "get it."
"Guys, I found him. Does anyone see a walking stick or scroll nearby?"
I have too many clocks. I went around adjusting them for Daylight Saving and, by the time I was done, it was over an hour later.
... That was what is known as "Grandpa humor."
People don't seem to notice the phrase "Are you ready to rock?!" being yelled at the start of wild concerts is a very counterproductive statement. I have never had to prepare in order to properly "rock out."
"I said, I can't HEAR you?! I said ... Are you ready to ROCK?!"
"Give me a second. ..."
:::Pensive Silence:::
:::Exhale:::
"OK, Gene Simmons. Let's do this thing."
Eric's column runs each Wednesday. He can be reached at cunningham@cavalierdaily.com.
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