There are few flagrant errors that almost everyone makes when they embark in the hostile world of dating and sex. Some are easy to spot, others are not. Here are two pitfalls that a push in the right direction might fix:
Sunk Costs
If I had a dollar for every time I saw a guy following around a girl who does not want to be seen with him, I would be a thousand-aire. Seriously, if a girl is constantly walking away from you towards another circle of partiers, she is either playing hard-to-get or does not want you within three city blocks of her. Just like every guy, including myself, we assume the former.
Let me give you an example with John, who wants to build up Jane's interest in him at a party. Jane keeps walking away and moving around the party without John. John wants to test if Jane is playing hard-to-get without ruining his night by chasing around a potentially uninterested girl.
So, he ignores her. Jane, like most girls, hates being ignored. Jane quickly notices that she is being ignored by John. She thinks, "why the hell would he ignore me? I'm hotter than a naked gymnast doing the splits."
This is the key to fixing John's situation. If Jane actually thinks John is about as interesting to her as watching the Daytime Emmy Awards, then she will not come within a fifteen-foot radius of John. John also has the added benefit of not producing any sunk cost by following her around.
On the flipside, if Jane is actually playing hard-to-get, she will eventually come talk to John and say something like, "Where have you been?" or "There you are!" or my personal favorite (usually with a frustrated grunt) "I've been looking for you for twenty minutes!" Sure you have, honey.
Ignoring Jane makes her think that John might be looking for something 'better' than her, which frustrates her. So when John shows interest in her after ignoring her for the better part of a half-an-hour Jane will not think that John is desperate while also thinking that he is selective in the girls he is hitting on. Sounds like a win-win situation for John.
If John had followed Jane around every time she went to talk to some of her other friends, he might look desperate, which might make her think that John is too easy of a catch. When Jane does not have to work to garner John's else's interest, Jane will assume that she can do better and might lose interest in John. The grass is always greener on the other side.
Opportunity Cost
On the other hand, the grass actually might be greener on the other side. Here is another example. Gary and Sara have been dating forever (which means more than three months in college). Gary is angry because he never gets to see Sara, who does not make much time for him. They both care about each other, but she is constantly too busy for him. He is agitated because he is not getting enough sex, but he is not sure if that is a legitimate reason to break up with a girl, especially one who he has been through a lot with.
I think it really depends how important sex is to him. In my opinion, most people in the dating/hookup world are looking for both a physical and emotional relationship. I also think that it is unpopular to say that physicality is important to a relationship. If Gary wants to be friends with Sara and have sex once every three weeks, I say buy a calendar and a playboy. It will cost him ten bucks, but it will make the time go by a little quicker.
Both guys and girls have vastly different needs as far as sex goes. One of the keys to any workable relationship is finding a fit physically (no pun intended) and emotionally. If Gary talks with Sara and she refuses to make more time for him, it might be in his best interests to dump her.
The opportunity cost of staying with someone that does not leave you completely satisfied when there are such a large number of college-age kids looking for some kind of relationship is silly. At least I hear that most girls like thousand-aires.
Next Semester I start rolling weekly with a different kind of format. Be warned.
Colin Clark is a Cavalier Daily Health & Sexuality Columnist. He can be reached at clark@cavalierdaily.com.
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