Before I start giving awards to the best time-wasters the Internet has to offer, I need mention MTV2's "Wonder Showzen." This is partly because it's hilarious, but mostly because it happened to come on when I started writing this column.
This show has used the tried and true "give a goofy little kid a microphone and an ear-piece and have him talk to people" method that "The Man Show" often used for instantaneous hilarity. They sent an ingenious little tike to the Miss America pageant and had him interview the contestants.
While there were many great moments, the best had to be when he asked one confused contestant, "Would you kick a pony in the face to end world hunger?" When the contestant replied that she did not believe in hurting animals, the kid quipped, "What? You would let millions of people starve for one stupid pony?" This was met with one great dumbfounded look from said contestant. I think she may have wanted to cry.
A close second to the pony interview was a comment during the ceremony's dance rehearsal. Amid fake smiles, fake tans and flailing legs, this kid just looks at the camera and goes, "Yeah, now I know why the terrorists hate us." That's one of those moments when you just stare at the TV, go "oh man," wonder if you actually just heard a nine-year-old say that and awkwardly laugh.
Now on to the good stuff. I know there are a couple of TV shows on now that go over the top clips from the week, but those shows are awful, their clips aren't really funny and the hosts are bad. So instead of seeing stupid clips narrated by a dumb host, you get to read about stupid clips written by a dumb columnist. Enjoy!
The Worst Parent in History Award
We've all gotten those forwards with a message along the lines of, "Hey, look at this picture and tell me what's wrong". Like the naïve, trusting people we are, we took a good hard look at that picture. After about 10 seconds, we were all like "Gee, I don't know, I mean, I think the back leg of that second chair might be a little different than..."
That's about the time when the freakiest picture you have ever seen pops onto the screen, accompanied by a screech of death. After a quick jump back from the screen and a "holy crap!", we had a good chuckle, gave credit to the person who got us and moved on.
This award-winning clip features a kid, maybe 10 years old, sitting and looking at one of these gags while his father, who presumably set the entire thing up, videotapes the whole ordeal. After a few seconds, the screen goes into screaming "scare the hell out of you" mode and this kid absolutely freaks out. He starts yelling, crying and hitting the computer. Bad parenting. Good clip.
The "Owwwww!" Award
These are the clips where, as a guy, you put your hand over your mouth, think about every time going back to pee wee soccer when you got struck in the groin and take a long walk around the room. As a girl, you look at this clip, say to yourself, "Hah, glad I don't have one of those" and continue on your merry way.
This award is a split between two of my favorite clips. The first is an oldie from a track and field event, the pole vault. The clip begins in real-time, with a guy going over the vault, coming down and writhing in pain on the mat. When you first see it, it's hard to tell what happened. Then they show a different camera angle in slow motion, and you see exactly what the guy is squirming about. As he comes over the bar, his pole does too, and it hits him exactly where he did not want to be hit. Ouch.
The second honoree is of a person, possibly the dumbest human in existence, trying to jump across a swimming pool. He leaps from one side and he makes it over ... well, he kind of makes it over. One of his legs makes it to the other side of the pool, while the other gets to take a nice little swim. The result, a not-so-pleasant split along the edge of the pool. Also ouch.
Thankfully the Internet is full of stupid people doing stupid things and, sometimes, just unlucky people experiencing unlucky things. What's important is we get to click a button and enjoy their misfortune from the comfort of our homes. Hope you enjoyed my selection, and if you do watch any of them, you won't be disappointed.
Eric's column runs bi-weekly on Tuesdays. He can be reached at ast@cavalierdaily.com.
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