Before I launch into a wealth of valuable advice (read: a couple of slightly humorous observtions) for the first-time office worker, I must say a word about something I realized today -- getting out of a mall at closing time is tantamount to escaping from Alcatraz ... at high tide ... in shark-infested waters. Every store I've ever been in makes a point of getting you out as soon as possible when closing time is drawing near. They have nice, comforting announcements that say things like, "Attention shoppers, get out."
Apparently this industry standard has escaped the Broward Mall, my local collection of department stores, Bath and Body Works and Radio Shack. One minute I'm enjoying the wondrous scents of cinnamon pretzels and perfume pagodas, and next thing I look up and all I see are chain-link storefronts and metal bars. The only thing missing was an announcement along the lines of, "Attention suckers, ahem, shoppers, good luck getting out!" followed, of course, by some sort of devious cackle.
What I never knew was that, besides the department stores, which were barred up like bank vaults, the mall has one other exit, around a corner, from another corner, down a long hallway, with a sign that says "How did you find this exit? Godspeed traveler."
I'm pretty sure that if you don't make it out of the mall by a certain time you become a lost soul, damned to spend eternity wandering the mall and having people ask you if you need a new cell phone or if they can clean your shoes every six steps. I'm actually convinced about 90 percent of the characters I see in the mall are of this ilk, but that's a discussion for another time.
Now on to the wonderful world of office labor. I see my boss for about five minutes a week, and if I don't see my boss, I don't have anything to do. This might sound like fun, and it is for a few hours a day, but not for 40 hours a week. So one day, as I'm washing my hands in the bathroom, I see my boss and, in an attempt to take advantage of this rare opportunity, exclaim, "Hey, is there anything you need help with?"
Do not, under any circumstances, ask somebody this question while in the bathroom. Luckily, my statement was not construed in the literal sense. A response of, "Actually, yeah, I'm having a little bit of trouble with this zipper," would have been an undesired consequence. Fortunately, he understood what I meant -- unfortunately, I remained bored.
Sadly, this was not the only awkward bathroom-related statement I have made since starting work. Coming in second place is my comment, "Alright, thanks for the help," as I was walking out the door one day. I was innocently referring to some office-related assistance from earlier in the day, but a couple steps later I realized the ladies standing by the copier sure didn't know that, and their chuckles led me to believe they were assuming the worst.
I could have launched into a, "Come on! I was talking about office help. I swear he didn't help me in there! I take care of that kind of stuff myself. I'm a big boy! I swear it! Stop laughing!" But I thought the better of it and continued on my merry way.
Over Fourth of July weekend the SciFi network aired a three-day "Twilight Zone" marathon, while the USA network countered with a "Monk" marathon of its own. When you're home all summer, this kind of thing is actually quite exciting.
The "Twilight Zone" amazes me because the writers were able to take one little "Hey, that's pretty crazy!" idea and turn it into a 30-minute episode, and they did it for six years. Every episode is like an insanely long joke with a "Huh, I guess that's kind of clever" punch line. Pretty much every episode can be summed up in a sentence and you wouldn't miss anything. "She's beautiful, they're all ugly." There you go, I just saved you 30 minutes. You can thank me later.
"Monk" is great because anything Tony Shalhoub touches is magic. Ultimate TV stereotype cab driver Antonio Scarpacci? Gold. Alien whose head grows back after Tommy Lee Jones blows it off? Gold. Obsessive compulsive detectives are hot these days, and Tony is riding the wave.
That's basically my entire summer. I sure hope yours has been more exciting.
Eric can be reached at ast@cavalierdaily.com.
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