These days, I am not in the habit of giving people advice. This is mostly because no one asks me for advice anymore because I am possibly the worst problem solver in the history of time. Really.
Having trouble with your studies? I'll probably tell you not to worry about it -- that you're cute enough to become someone's trophy wife/boy toy and will thus never need to rely on your intelligence until/unless your sugar daddy/momma decides to trade you in for someone younger or better looking.
Boy trouble? Go ahead and tell him that you slept with his best friend. You haven't? You should probably get on that. No one likes a liar. "Panic! At the Disco" may say it's better to handle these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality, but I feel like healthy dose of crazy is often to best way to solve problems.
Despite what some would call my total lack of skill in advice giving (that was the disclaimer in case you were wondering), I have decided to go ahead and compile a little list of wisdom for all ages. I was going to limit this list to advice for first years, but I figured why be greedy with my accumulated knowledge? Everyone could use a little help. I know I sure as hell do.
First years: First off, know that while I realize you are eager to establish yourself academically, you are not scoring any popularity points with the older, cooler people in your classes by yapping non-stop about each and every page of the reading. We don't think you are smart, we just think that you have no life and had nothing better to do than the assigned reading. Get a fake I.D., hit some good frat parties before they lose their appeal, and drag in hungover and smelling like dance floor like the rest of us.
And in case you were wondering, sharing a room with a complete stranger is the University's practical joke on you. So is sticking you in a dorm with people you are bound to hook up with and will then have to see every day for the rest of the year. But don't sweat it. Bizarre roommates and ex-hookup landmines give you something to bond with your new friends over while eating your fifth waffle (ha!) at brunch.
Second years: You are out of dorms -- take advantage of it. Get a beer pong table and your own room. I only did the former and it was not the best of ideas. You also might have a car now, which is great, but if you ever swoop in front of me and nab the prime spot I have been waiting for in front of Harris Teeter or the AFC, I will get out of my (rather large) vehicle and beat you senseless with my bare hands. And second-year friends, I get it. You're not a first year anymore. You want to prove that by wearing your Class of 2009 shirt everywhere you go, but you really don't have to. A convincing sneer directed toward first years at frat parties (which you totally can still attend) should suffice.
Third years: I'm sorry to be the one to break it to you, but someone's got to man up and tell you. Frat parties are no longer going to be fun. Sure, going to frats to meet up with friends and play some low-key beer pong is still a lovely way to pass an evening, but the actual full-out frat party is no longer geared toward your demographic. And it's ok. You can satisfy your urge for all-night sexually charged drunken mingling by going to bars. And trust me, you will be spending a ridiculous amount of time in bars because almost every one of your friends will be turning 21 (which is both a blessing and a curse because seriously there are only so many times you can get amped about seeing a drunk friend staggering around in a crown puking on your shoes). Start looking for an internship early, otherwise this summer you will have nothing to contribute to the conversation about being someone's office bitch. And remember, you are an upperclassman now. Own it, love it, and never pass up the opportunity to call anyone younger "kid."
Fourth years: First and most importantly, if someone asks you what you're doing next year or any similarly worded question, feel free to pick up the nearest pointy object and stab them in the heart. This, by the way, will be my course of action if one more person asks me this question. Feel no remorse no longer acknowledging the annoying tools you lived with first year when they approach you at bars. You weren't friends then, you sure as hell aren't friends now. The jig is up. Talk to members of the opposite sex that you've been Facebook stalking for years but have been too scared to speak to because they are so much cooler and better looking than you. What's the worst that could happen? Wait, what was that you said? Devastating public rejection? Scratch that last piece of advice. Take easy classes when possible and roll your eyes when overwhelmed first years scramble to dominate discussion (See: Advice for First Years).
There you have it, folks. So go forth, prosper, and please don't stab me in the heart with a pointed object if this advice fails you miserably. You did see the disclaimer, didn't you?
Erin's column runs bi-weekly on Mondays. She can be reached at gaetz@cavalierdaily.com.
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