Alright, newbies, so you think you can pick up a woman at a party, right? Well, you'll be able to if you follow my 12-step program. Kick the Habit!
1. Look the part.If you are interested in a night on the town and you look like a slob, you aren't going to have any luck.Get rid of your jean shorts and your whitey-tighties. Don't get me wrong, you should keep wearing what makes you an individual. Realize that although you don't need to wear a Polo to fit in, you don't want to stand out so much that no one feels comfortable talking to you. Think Ed Norton in "Rounders," not Ed Norton in "American History X."
2. Be confident. If you stand in a corner with your buddies talking about how drunk you were/will be/are no one will talk to you. If you are standing far enough from the music to hear yourself think, go ahead and talk to some people you don't know. If you rely on them coming up to you, you will never meet anyone. Conversely, you don't want to seem overly friendly and talk to everyone in the room. Look for women who are also looking to meet people. These types of women will be looking around a lot and not confining themselves to the same people for the entire party. Go talk to them. The worst thing they can do is shoot you down. If you can't take that kind of heat every once in a while, grow a pair. Think Gene Simmons, not Richard Simmons.
3. Once you strike up a conversation with the woman you happen to be talking to, go dance with her. Trust me. I know, dear reader, you hate dancing. I hate dancing. However, most women at big parties who want to meet you generally want to dance. When I say dance, I mean dance. I don't mean grope. If you want a woman to like you, don't grab her boobs. Women, they don't like that. I don't mean you have to keep each other at arm's length -- just don't grind your pelvis into her. I bet it hurts. Think Fred Astaire, not "A Night at the Roxbury."
4. Don't get sloshed. You would think that the more drunk you get, the more funny/witty/sexy you get. The best way to get a woman is to talk to her and show her you aren't a tool and worth getting to know. Unless you are a tool. Then you have bigger problems than I can fix. You will know that you are a tool when you give her your bedroom eyes and say, "Condoms schmondoms, don't you love me baby?" Drink with class. Think Sinatra, not Bad Santa.
5. Be interested in her. You would assume this is self-explanatory, right? If you just want tail for a night, be completely honest about that. But why limit yourself to a one-night stand? If she is interested in you and you in her than you will have something to talk about the next morning. At least you may not have to reintroduce yourself. Think Tom Cruise in "Risky Business," not Luke Wilson in "Old School."
6. Be interesting. Part of the game involves distinguishing yourself from the rest of the pack. Everyone wears a T-shirt. If yours says, "I'm Huge," it may not help you. But if yours says, "It's all fun and games until someone loses a nut," that is something different entirely. So, brush up on your old magic tricks or whatever the hell makes you special and shine. Think David Copperfield not that guy on NPR.
7. Remember her name.
8. Be friendly to her friends.If you are interested in a woman there is no way anything will work in the short or long term if her friends don't like you. If you are in a conversation and everyone seems to be at a loss suddenly, talk about the first thing that comes to your mind. It will probably be better than silence. Think Jerry Seinfeld not Charlie Chaplin. (Except if you can pull off a good sight gag. Women love that)
9. Don't talk about your "size." This will lead women to believe that you have an entirely different sight gag in store for them.
10. Another thing you won't want to talk about is anything that most girls wouldn't understand. The average straight male's positions and beliefs about lesbians, horsepower vs. torque, whether Pete Rose should be in the Hall of Fame, and the state of the current Cowboys quarterback depth chart are not preferred topics of conversation in mixed company.
11. I'll be honest, I love a good cigar. Sometimes even a bad cigar. But most women don't like cigars or their little brothers, cigarettes. If she isn't smoking, your breath will smell like the dumpster behind the White Spot.
12. If all else fails, steal flowers from the neighbor's garden and give them to her. Double points if you steal from a sorority.
Colin Clark is a Cavalier Daily Health & Sexuality columnist. He can be reached at clark@cavalierdaily.com.
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