Ahem. Thanks everyone for coming to this mandatory snhoos-fest. If there's one tip I feel the need to convey to you first years out there, it's this: Get involved. My second tip would be: Do your own thing. My third tip would be: Doing your own thing does not mean you don't have to get involved. You still have to get involved. Nice try, though.
A wise columnist once said that everyone has to get involved so that the community can evolve, and that's what makes the world revolve. Do you know who that columnist was? I'll give you a hint: It was me. Yeah, I quote myself from time to time. It's fun.
But getting involved at the University has nothing to do with fun and everything to do with pain, suffering and misery. So get excited! Every group here has special merit and requires hard work and dedication. But most importantly, all the groups require members (except for the University Nihilist Association, which apparently does not believe in members ... not exactly sure how their constitution works). That means that it's time for you to do your part and get involved in something you enjoy -- or at least something you would enjoy having on your résumé.
I'm sure you've heard this advice countless times before, but notice the way I lowered my left eyebrow as I said it. That's your cue to take it more seriously this time. Now observe how I'm wagging my pointer finger condescendingly two inches from your face. That's your cue to ask me to stop doing that. See, you're learning already. Yay, college!
Enough about my disregard for other people's personal space. This is about you and your future. And right now, I've got to be honest -- it's not looking too bright.
When I say to get involved, you've been conditioned to think of the really popular activities like Club Avionics, the Dueling League and the People with Names Alliance. That is a huge mistake. Put those out of your mind. Most of them don't even exist. For example, the Dueling League died out years ago. I mean that literally. Who told you those were popular groups, anyway? Oh right ... my bad.
Even when looking at real organizations on Grounds, don't automatically assume that the most well-known ones are the coolest. Take U-Guides for example: I would recommend that everyone just hold off on trying out until next semester. Take some time to think it over. It's a big commitment, and you don't want to try out arbitrarily just to inflate the competition pool and make it impossible for guys like me who are giving it everything they have to ... I should move on.
Look, if you want to be a chamillionaire someday, you've got to start acting like one today. I'm not saying rush out there and get a new expensive grill for your teeth. Your current expensive grill is good enough for right now (if you do not have an expensive grill, please stop reading this column immediately -- you obviously don't care about being successful).
What you absolutely must do, however, is make a name for yourself. It's not easy to do, but once you've done it you can join the People with Names Alliance. You might be thinking to yourself, "But I already have a name!" No you don't. You're probably referring to the name your parents gave you. What the younger population doesn't realize is that birth names expire when you reach college. So you'd better get on that, Nameless.
Once you've established yourself as a distinct individual with a unique set of interests and talents, it's time to conform those interests and talents to meet the standardized application criteria of the many groups you're interested in.
Try not to be overly ambitious. For now, cast aside your aspirations to be president of the Michelle Branch Appreciation Society Appreciation Society (that's the society that appreciates the Michelle Branch Appreciation Society ... I know it's confusing at first, but remember: MBASAS's fall fundraiser is what makes MBAS's spring fundraiser possible).
In all seriousness, a universe of opportunities lies before you. Be open to new ideas, and, most of all, just be yourself. Or at least, don't be too much like me. I can't stand competition.
Dan's column runs each Wednesday. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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