As if little kids needed another reason not to eat spinach: "Don't worry, Billy. Greens won't kill you ... except spinach. You will actually die if you eat it." Kindergartners everywhere are rejoicing. Their years of whining and moaning have paid off: They have successfully sabotaged the entire U.S. crop of one of the most popular vegetables. I'd like to shake the ringleader of that operation's hand, and then promptly wash mine.
I don't really like spinach, but I don't hate it enough to kill people. What I do hate enough to kill people over is flyering on the Lawn. That's right, flyering.
One of the great things about this country is that you don't have to be passionate about a cause if you don't wish to be. Flyering attempts to irrationally debunk that notion faster than Bill O'Reilly on speed.
I don't care about the causes on 99 percent of the flyers I receive. Thus, I am entitled to simply pass by the flyerees. I sometimes feel guilty about ignoring these passionate people, but sometimes it can be just too much. No, I don't want to try out for Honor. No, I don't want to donate to the Society for the Liberation of Pet Weasels. No, I don't want to pledge hours of my time killing stingrays. Wait, yes I do.
A couple of flyerees try to break the mold and step out from behind their nice little tables, handing you flyers by standing in your way. My solution to this is to always have flyers of my own, ready to hand to them. Flyerees are a wily species, but they are easily confused.
There are a few tried and true tactics to avoid speaking to flyerees. I'm a big believer in three of them: the bicycle ride-by, the headphones and the cell phone.
As one of the biggest nerds in the lower 48 states, I am contractually obliged to ride my bike to class. Yes, nerds have contracts. It's not just any bike though -- it's a sweet Cannondale road bike. I can get from my apartment behind University Circle to Wilson Hall in three minutes. Booyah. Not only do I look cool riding to class, I can also avoid picking up flyers by playing the bike card. If it's a particularly obnoxious flyeree team on the Lawn, I get a proud feeling in my heart and loins knowing that I have successfully avoided participating in extracurriculars.
The headphones as an avoidance technique are in a league of their own in terms of d-baggery. No fuss, no muss -- you can just walk right on by and blissfully ignore the flyerees. You can be listening to an iPod, CD player, or eight-track. It doesn't matter. The headphones don't even have to be plugged into anything. You can just pretend to listen to music. That way, you come off as not only apathetic, but also poor.
The coup de grace of d-bag moves, the crème de la crème, is the cell phone maneuver. It takes a special someone to be as callous and heartless as to whip out the cell phone and pretend to talk to somebody in order to avoid caring about other people. Successfully pulling off the cell phone feint gets you into your own circle of hell, in between the tax collectors and hookers. Sometimes, I like to stand on the hill above flyering headquarters and watch people whip out their Razrs® as they usher themselves into eternal damnation. Too bad they don't allow Ugg boots or croakies in hell.
One special flyeree that I really enjoy is the poster sale guy. This dude lets you know that there's the annual sale of sweet college posters going on in the Newcomb courtyard. The guy himself uses the route-block tactic, which is always successful. He's a seasoned veteran. Of course, once you get the flyer, you eventually will find your way over to Newcomb, where the sweet posters are all displayed. There you'll find every kind of three-by-five-foot homage to "Pulp Fiction," "Scarface" and "The Boondock Saints" that you could possibly imagine.
It's mostly first years there, and of course the creepy kid from your discussion section is looking for a wolf-howling-at-the-moon poster to match his shirt, sweatshirt and fannypack, all emblazoned with wolves.
Anyway, back to flyering. Maybe it's not all that bad, as occasionally you do get info on a cause that you care about. Flyering is actually how I got involved in most of my activities on Grounds. I haven't seen much of the spinach club lately though.
Brendan's column runs bi-weekly on Mondays. He can be reached at collins@cavalierdaily.com.
Read More
It’s okay not to be okay
By Mai Hukuoka | 4 days agoWhether talking to a friend, a loved one or a professional, it is so necessary, and human, to need more than you can provide for yourself.
Taking a break at Tangerines Kitchen
By Charley Thomas | 5 days agoWhat the restaurant somewhat lacks in ambiance, it compensates for in tasty dishes and prompt service.
Virginia Policy Lab — a hub for student-led policy action
By Katherine Haden | December 9, 2024Students propose their own projects and collaborate with other members to research their issues of interest, brainstorm solutions and write policy proposals.
