I have just started my fourth and final year of college. I haven't finished my majors, I don't know what "area requirements" are, and I haven't bought a single book for class. Clearly, my post-graduation plans are not my first priority. However, since my mother constantly calls my cell phone to leave awkward voicemails ("Do you know that a boy went to your school and graduated in a year? He also went to your high school. Maybe we can arrange a marriage."), I've come up with answers to the dreaded question, "What are you doing next year?"
If my mom asks me:
"I am taking a year off to work and earn money for law school. Of course, I will take my LSATs after a great deal of practice and preparation. When coupled with my 4.109383 GPA, I will definitely get into Harvard Law School, where, inevitably, I will marry a rich politician."
If my dad asks me:
"I am going to volunteer for a year with orphanages in Asia. I'll improve my language skills as well as experience activities and circumstances I would never otherwise be exposed to. Like bird flu."
If my sister asks me:
"Mom and dad told me they love me more and it's ok if I don't have a job when I graduate, because they'll always love me the best. They also bought me a boat. A yacht, really."
If an engineer asks me:
"Of course my job isn't going to be as lucrative as yours. Maybe I can't build robots that fight each other and maybe I can't add math so good, but my English is impeccable. When I graduate, everyone will want to hire me. Writing is a necessity for the real world!"
If a politician asks me:
"The future is limitless. Nary should I step forth into the inevitable, nor shall I retreat to the familiar for fear of losing what little courage I now possess. Together, you and I, we can overcome the differences that separate our people. Together, as one, we can accomplish anything. I love freedom. And eagles."
If a professor asks me:
"Graduate school. Of course. To study [insert subject of the course the professor teaches]."
If my editor asks me:
"Of course I'm going to try to get an internship with a big paper. After my experience writing for the Cavalier Daily, I'm sure The Washington Post and The New York Times will both be jumping at the chance to snap up this free agent. Especially since the Cavalier Daily has such an amazing reputation for being grammaticly error-free."
If a significant other asks me:
"I'd want to be with you. Graduation is only the beginning of our undying love! Let's get married! If you're not the one, it's still ok because we can get divorced, like 50 percent of the country."
If a classmate asks me:
"I'm glad you have a wonderful job lined up for you. I'm so happy that your father sold out and eats other people's souls for a living, and I'm so excited that you now get to work under him. For the rest of us who are cursed with having to work for a living, I'll be watching you every day as you get up with your shiney shoes and your shiney car. Watch your back. I have a shiv."
If a potential employer asks me:
"Please hire me. Please. I will pay you to give me a job offer so I have something I can use to prove that my four years of 'hard work' have paid off."
If a friend asks me:
"I will be living in a box, in an alleyway. I will not be able to shower or bathe or brush my teeth or maintain any sort of sanitary hygienic level. I will probably have scabies and lice and I will be a menace to society unless you let me move in with you."
If my grandparents ask:
"I still have another couple of years. You're confusing me with your other granddaughter. I already have people who want to hire me. Like NASA, NSA, CBS, ABC, FBI, KGB. You're definitely coming to my graduation in 2010, right?"
If my co-worker asks:
"My religion said college was the work of the devil. And by religion, I mean that horrible movie with Adam Sandler and Kathy Bates. Kathy Bates had a college diploma and look where it got her. She played a delusional crocodile woman."
In truth, I don't mind when people ask me what I plan on doing next year because every time my answer is like a little surprise. Maybe I'll fly to the moon or maybe I'll work at the KFC all-you-can-eat buffet. At least I still have a year to make up more excuses.
Winnie's column runs bi-weekly on Thursdays. She can be reached at winnie@cavalierdaily.com.
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