Since you read last week's column, you now know how to pick up women. Good for you. But how do you handle the morning after? I will explain how to handle some common problems.
Problem #1: You forgot her name
When you wake up, first figure out if there actually is a woman next to you. This may sound simple, but you want to pretend you are still asleep for reasons I will explain later. Roll slowly towards the other end of the bed. Did you hit something? If yes, you probably have a woman in your bed. Take a moment to surreptitiously pat yourself on the back. Now you have to get her out of the room. You have two options. You could either: 1) wait until she wakes up and goes to the bathroom or shower, or 2) you could wake her up to the point where she leaves the room. To do this, slowly roll towards her like before, but with slightly more force. Then rest partially on top of her. Wait two or three minutes, then roll back to your side of the bed. Then snore. Repeat until she is awake.
Once she is out of the room, than you rummage through her belongings to figure out her name. The wallet is the old standby, but there are other things you could use. Remember that, many times, expensive jewelry will have an inscription. So do medic alert bracelets and high school class rings. Also, you can look for old tests and papers. If you find out the name before she comes back, you are golden.
Problem #2: She is ugly
Do you remember that part in "The Godfather" when the guy finds the bloody horse's head and screams? Don't do that.
Under no circumstances should you display any form of displeasure. Remember that all women have a secret underground network of communication and a bad reputation can spread through an entire apartment building faster than ebola. Relax and take a deep breath, dear reader. The best way to fix this situation is with kindness. Talk to her and enjoy her company for a few minutes. When you tell her you have to leave, agree to have lunch with her sometime in the next week. There is no other way to handle this situation.
Problem #3: Your roommate was in the room last night or he was locked out all night
Apologize immediately and set him up with the ugly woman. Problem solved.
Problem #4: You are awake and you can't get back to sleep
In all seriousness, I find myself in this situation all the time. If I had the home field advantage I would go to the kitchen and make breakfast. The smell of eggs, pancakes or bacon will wake anyone up immediately. If you are at her place, you can use the roll technique to wake her up.
Problem #5: "Did you have fun last night?"
Never answer the preceding question with, "It was probably better for you than for me," or "I am better than you."
Problem #6: You need to leave without walking through the front door
Obviously this problem is a rarity. But when it happens, boy you had better be prepared. If the bedroom window is on the first floor, remove the screen and jump out. If you break it, take the screen with you. There is no point leaving evidence. It will also help you size the screen when you buy a new one a Lowes (a widow screen will set you back 25 to 30 dollars; a door screen will be at least 50). If you are on the second story, you may want to take the sheets and tie them to the bedpost and start making your way to the ground. Remember to check the drawers for extra clean sheets. As for dirty sheets in the hamper, well it depends how much you want to get away. Tip: use a slip knot.
Problem #7: She has bad breath
You probably have bad breath too. Have a bottle of mouthwash handy on your bedside table and tic-tacs in your pants. Don't offer to let her use your toothbrush or ask to use hers. Many women think lending a toothbrush is gross.
Just remember, any problem can be solved with some creativity. Just be prepared for any occasion and you will seem like a class act, even if you are a sleaze.
Colin Clark is a Health & Sexuality columnist. He can be reached at cac5xk@virginia.edu.
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