After recently surveying the bleak, empty contents of my wallet, a wallet that was filled to the brim with 200 dollars a mere three days ago, I came to terms with the fact that I am not what you would call a financial wizard.
I would like to write this off as being a genetic problem, since my Dad's concept of keeping track of his money consists solely of crumpling bills of all denominations together and shoving them in his pants pockets for later use, but I cannot. My brother, who I am told but have never really believed comes from the same gene pool as me, has no problems with money. According to my mother, he can take the same amount of money I use in one month and stretch it over three. Not surprising, as I hear my brother can also speak Mandarin like a native, wake up for class on time without pressing the snooze button even once, and cure the diseases of small children in Honduras with a single benevolent gaze. Apparently, I come from the shallow end of the gene pool.
I have decided it is useless to try to manage my money better and have instead decided simply to have more money. Clearly, the first and most practical solution that entered my mind after passing many an afternoon lazing in front of the television is to find a way to get on MTV's show "Next." For those of you with lives who don't know the premise, for every minute you pass on some contrived date (which always, curiously, involves some sort of carnival game) with some random tool, you get a dollar. I figure this would be an easy way to pick up some cash (I do love carnival games, after all), however I do have some reservations about what the uppity MTV voice-over chick would say about me after I was "next-ed." I don't think I could take it if all of bored, white America heard the Uppity Voice-Over snidely comment, "Erin's face made [enter name of random tool] worry, so he next-ed her in a hurry!" I think I would have to cut somebody.
Sadly, some unimaginative, dream-crushing individuals [my parents] do not have much faith in my plan to earn money via becoming an S-list reality TV star and have suggested that I get an actual job. This suggestion is all well and good except for the fact that I am fairly low on talent and motivation. I can't waitress because I don't like taking orders of any kind. Having me as a bartender would be like the fox guarding the hen house. Any retail job involving clothes is out of the question, as I do not even fold my own clothes -- I throw them on the floor and only fold them when the pile gets so high as to create a protective moat around my bed. Note: I would take a job at the Rugby store just for the validation. The people who work there are just so damn pretty.
This pretty much leaves me with but one viable alternative as far as part time employment goes: pizza delivery driver. If ever a job was suited for my interests, this is it. I love pizza and food in general. I enjoy driving at brisk, some would say unsafe, speeds. I have a large vehicle. And I enjoy meeting new people, especially ones who share my passion for hot, delicious pizza. Plus, I've always wanted an excuse to carry mace and a billy club and I feel that being a delivery driver absolutely warrants such accessories. The only drawback would come if/when I had to delivery a pizza pie to a nemesis of mine (believe me, I have a few). I would then lose my job, as there is no way the incident would pass without a Meat Lover's pizza being shoved in someone's face and apparently, hot cheese can cause pretty serious burns. Ouch.
I suppose the job search could be avoided entirely if I just learned how to budget better, but there's some truth to that saying about not being able to teach a pig to sing. (It frustrates you and annoys the pig, truth be told.) I have come to terms with the fact that sensible saving is just not in my nature. I suppose until I either get a top-notch financial planner or marry rich the real question is would I rather risk getting charged for attempting to maim someone with a piping hot pizza or the wrath of the Uppity Voice over? Decisions, decisions.
Erin's column runs biweekly on Mondays. She can be reached at gaetz@cavalierdaily.com.
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