I know people -- good, solid people -- who tend to turn to very adult courses of action when they feel the need for a little perspective in their lives. They keep journals and reflect on the important things. They volunteer to worthy causes. In extreme cases of life reflection, I have heard of people writing poetry, composing songs and developing an affinity for Monica Lewinsky-esque berets (shudder).
I, however, believe that perhaps the most effective way to gain some self-awareness is by thinking about how your life would play out as a drinking game. You know what I'm talking about -- the kind of drinking game you play to wildly repetitive TV shows like "Grey's Anatomy" during which you drink when certain characters do something that they have been known to do a nauseating number of times (Example: Drink when George does something that makes it apparent why neither Meredith, nor any other self-respecting female, will ever date him. Callie, who is almost as lame as George, clearly does not count).
My hypothesis is that by thinking of your life in terms of this kind of drinking game, you will be able to determine obnoxious/ self-destructive/ ridiculous habitual behaviors that you yourself repeat and, perhaps, can find a way to stop being so damn predictable.
Having nothing better to do and in need of a little self-awareness these days, I decided to test my theory and see what I came up with. So here, ladies and gentlemen, are the rules to the Official (hopefully) Limited Edition Erin Gaetz Drinking Game. See if you can follow along without blacking out:
1. For every angst-ridden song Erin (I will be referring to myself in the third person from here on out -- mostly because I'm a tool) listens to, take a pull of your drink. For your sake, don't make that drink too strong, as angsty music has recently become one of Erin's passions. She lives quite the rough and tumble life (Stop laughing, please). Songs that should be considered have titles such as "I'm Not Ok", "Tear You Apart" or similar. Performers of these songs will typically be thin, dark-haired men wearing eye-liner, pouty expressions and teardrop tattoos. If it becomes clear that Erin is considering a given song part of the "soundtrack of her life," finish your drink and thank God you don't contemplate your life soundtrack.
2. Take a shot anytime Erin exhibits questionable judgment with a guy. This includes attraction to anyone who: is almost 30 or not yet 20; has ever worn a do-rag or other odd headgear; has nicknamed any part of his body; quotes the lines in rap songs in an attempt at seduction; has ever highlighted his hair.
3. Chug a beer if Erin mentions her lack of definitive future goals after graduation. This could mean talk of moving home and having her parents reinstate her 11th grade curfew, moving to New York and becoming a homeless street performer (tap dancing most likely) or fleeing to the Caribbean island of Dominica with other willing parties to form a spear-fishing commune. Refrain from drinking if any idea she comes up with seems even remotely plausible.
4. Shots all around anytime Erin displays a dependence on an over-the counter-drug. Real bad asses get addicted to heroin or crystal meth. Erin gets addicted to her inhaler (prescription -- hardcore) and Tylenol PM, which she takes in lieu of getting on a normal schedule that features a pre-2 p.m. wake up.
5. Cease drinking completely if Erin ever looks coordinated on the dance floor. What? You say you've never seen that happen? I guess you'll just have to keep drinking. Sorry.
I sincerely hope that you experience no ill effects after playing the Official Limited Edition Erin Gaetz Drinking game. I hope even more sincerely that if you do, you don't sue me. Clearly, between the eight hour naps, inappropriate rendezvous with boys and angsty music sessions, I really have no time to fight a lawsuit. Any extra time I do have will be devoted to learning how to dance -- for your sake and mine.
Erin's column runs bi-weekly on Mondays. She can be reached at gaetz@cavalierdaily.com.
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