Alright, peach, you're juicy. We get it. Enough already. I understand what you're all about, peach. You just want us to say you're the juiciest fruit, don't you? Fine, so be it. You're the juiciest. There, happy? Glorified? I don't even know where to start with you, peach.
It's not that I don't appreciate the juice. I enjoy a reasonable amount of nectar, certainly. But damnit, could you stop showing off for just one minute so I don't have to get up for more paper towels for the THIRD TIME?? Nobody asked for this much juice. If I wanted this much juice, I would be drinking juice. But I'm not drinking juice, am I? What, the Juicy Juice? Yeah, it's mine. But I can assure you that juice box has been empty for days. I'll throw it out when I'm good and ready, thank you.
I came to you as a friend in need of sustenance. I wanted a little pulp in my life. Maybe I'd take a little skin, too -- who knows, things could start to get crazy around here. I was even willing to overlook the fuzz. I offered you a good home (my belly) in a safe neighborhood, with no adjustable mortgage rate, workman's lien or what-have-yous. To be honest, I was just looking for something to fill me up until I can get myself a trustworthy fruit like a banana or an apple. You could've been a worthy snack, peach. But then you went and spat on my outstretched hand with that malicious secretion of yours.
Forgive me for not wanting to change my shirt every time I try to enjoy a fiber-rich meal. Forgive me for waking up in the morning and not having the first thought that goes through my brain be, "Well, I may or may not be eating a peach later today, so I'd better stay away from long sleeves."
I have a pretty good idea of where all this showboating comes from. You and orange have a long history of competitive enmity. Whenever you try to make a move for that coveted second-runner up spot after apple and banana, orange plays the vitamin C card and gets his way.
Moreover, orange has always dominated the juice market, and I know you're still bitter about that -- not grapefruit bitter, but bitter nonetheless. But why don't you try to focus on the battles you can win and ones that won't jeopardize your place in the hearts of millions? For example, what rhymes with orange? Nothing -- learned that in third grade. Now, what rhymes with peach? Beach, teach, reach, leech, etc. All good things. Except for leech, I guess, unless of course we're talking from a 16th century medical perspective.
What else happened in third grade? We read "James and the Giant Peach." That was all you, baby! (In the fourth grade, by the way, my friend Halsey sliced open his finger while trying to peel back the sharp metal top on a can of peaches. True story, he had to get stitches ... but we don't have to get into that right now.)
Or how about the fact that you've got a Mario Kart character named after you? That's pretty good. I, for one, always play as Princess Peach. That makes you special, peach. There's no Yoshi fruit, after all. Although just seeing it on paper for the first time, it sounds delicious. I would totally eat a Yoshi fruit.
There are plenty of other ways to cheer yourself up, peach. You've got Georgia. That has to be worth something, right? Right?
I've seen the way you bully cherry -- pulling her stem, picking on her. Cherry never wanted any part of this -- she's innocent, man. You are a disgrace, peach. You put the "pit" in pitiful.
To be completely honest, I'm not even sure you are the juiciest, peach. I mean, watermelon's got to be, what, 130 percent water? But at least people know what they're getting into with watermelon and how to cope with it. They know that watermelon's an outside fruit, whereas you've always been an indoor fruit, grapes have always been a car fruit and pear has always been a bathtub fruit ... at least in my house.
If you're willing to cut out all these juice shenanigans, peach, then I'm willing to hold my tongue about nectarine being a sweeter, sleeker, sexier version of you. Those are the terms. Ka-peach?
Dan's column runs each Wednesday. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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