I'm going to preface this column with a statement: I love Harry Potter. I didn't want to, it just kind of happened. I got to the point where it would be easier to read the six books than pretend to understand what people were talking about. Now I've become everything I hated. I reread all the books to prepare for the next movie. I went wand shopping a few times. I tear apart every aspect of Hogworts' world in an obsessive search for errors (how can Hagrid be a half-giant? The sexual mechanics involved in his conception are absurd!) I cannot stress enough my borderline manic devotion to this series. That being said, I will now explain why Harry Potter is destroying America.
In America, a few things are always true. Our beers are cold, our TVs are loud and our books are for nerds. So you can imagine my surprise when I saw on Fox 5 News at 10 that, in many local schools, "Harry Potter is making reading cool." It felt like I had been hit with the stupefy jinx. Once the shock wore off, though, the full world of implications began to dawn on me.
Books have to be for nerds. That's just the way things work: Nerds read books. The cool kids pick on the nerds for reading. This makes the nerds angsty and overwrought with emotions. To vent these emotions, nerds write bad poetry and "Star Trek" fan-fiction. Some of these nerds become good enough at writing to become professional writers. Now they write new books for the next generation of nerds to read and get picked on for. This has been the driving force for all of Western civilization, and J. K. Rowling is messing it up.
Imagine a world where writers were never losers. Hamlet would have died of alcohol poisoning. Walt Whitman's "Leaves of Grass" would have been about smoking pot. Instead of going on a journey of self-discovery, Holden Caulfield would have stayed at school to play Halo 2 with his friends.
And let's not forget about the other half of the equation. The traditionally cool kids like athletes, rich kids and cheerleaders will be the outcasts of society -- their pep rallies and cotillions will go unattended. These are people for whom success is closely tied to their self-esteem. With their popularity gone, they're doomed to lives of desperate failure.
A few of you self-proclaimed nerds may laugh at this idea, your lungs filling with delicious schadenfreude. Unfortunately, the success of the popular kids is directly linked to America's number-one export: war. Our high school athletes are really in training to be the super-steroid-fueled army of the future. The rich kids need to become the captains of industry who create the wars for jocks to fight in. And the cheerleaders will one day make the porn that will keep our soldiers from turning gay and thus completely ineffective on the battlefield.
So now our culture isn't putting out any more literature, and we're unable to defend ourselves. Our enemies will laugh as they casually sew the seeds of our destruction. Soon America will fade from history like Drutopia (don't try to look it up: It has faded from history).
So what can we do about this? Not much, I'm afraid. We can't stop the books from being published, at least not until I find out how Harry defeats Lord Voldomort (my theory: seduction). So I guess the responsibility has to lie with the parents and teachers. Parents, if you see your kids enjoying reading, take the initiative and call them a fatty. Teachers, be sure to give the cool kids a break on homework and tests, letting the nerds know where they stand. Every little bit of self esteem you whittle away helps.
In the end, I guess America is doomed. We complacently allowed Harry Potter to cross the pond and finish the job King George started over 200 years ago. (His young adult fantasy book "Lil' George and the Benefits of Monarchy" was panned as derivative and, according to Ben Franklin, "not fit for a king.") I just hope future generations will remember some of our accomplishments, like the assembly line, nuclear warfare and, most impressively, "Goosebumps" by R.L. Stine.
John McNamee is The Cavalier Daily's Graphics editor.
Read More
It’s okay not to be okay
By Mai Hukuoka | 2 days agoWhether talking to a friend, a loved one or a professional, it is so necessary, and human, to need more than you can provide for yourself.
Taking a break at Tangerines Kitchen
By Charley Thomas | 4 days agoWhat the restaurant somewhat lacks in ambiance, it compensates for in tasty dishes and prompt service.
Virginia Policy Lab — a hub for student-led policy action
By Katherine Haden | December 9, 2024Students propose their own projects and collaborate with other members to research their issues of interest, brainstorm solutions and write policy proposals.
