Hello there, girl wearing ridicu-lously oversized sunglasses. I have to be honest, I saw you looking my way and just couldn't help but come over and say hello. Well, I guess if I'm going to be completely honest, I didn't actually see you looking my way; those shades block a 14-inch radius around your eyes so it's kind of hard to tell where you're looking. I got a general idea of where your face was pointing, but that's about it. I came over because I thought you were cute, or more accurately, I guessed you were cute based on the six percent of your face that is visible behind the tinted windshield you have over your eyes.
The truth is I saw you and instantly realized we had something in common. I often visit the eye doctor and when they dilate my pupils a single photon of light could cause irreparable damage to my retinas. It is obvious you are in a similar predicament, hence the NASA-level light deterrent system you're sporting. I have searched long and hard for somebody to share my plight, and I have finally found you. What is that you say? You didn't just come from the eye doctor? Well I was totally kidding anyway. What we really have in common is a love for carpentry, or welding, but definitely one of the two. When those splinters, or sparks, depending on our obvious common interest, are flying, you need to protect those baby blues.
Excuse me -- You're not into either of those things? I feel so foolish -- will you please give me another few guesses? You're going hang gliding. Bungee jumping? Scuba diving? Oh, I've got it, you're going to ride in one of those awesome old school motorcycle sidecars? You must be flying the Spirit of St. Louis across the Atlantic. You're breaking in your eyewear for the upcoming Iditarod? Wow, I'm really bad at this. They give you X-ray vision? You have fragile eye sockets? You are Jackie O. reincarnated? Stop me if I'm getting warm. You're off to play some paintball? They have religious significance. You're on an Olympic bobsled team? Street luge? Skeleton? You enjoy particularly juicy citrus and are making sure if you happen to squeeze a grapefruit right into your face your eyes will not sting.
Alright, I'm exhausted, just tell me what the deal is. Oh, you're just wearing them for fashion's sake? Really? That's not ridiculous at all. Wow, I never would have guessed that. Hey, look at the time, it was great talking to you. I've got a thing I need to go do. Take it easy.
So speaking of giants, have you ever seen those "Messin' with Sasquatch" beef jerky commercials? It's a bunch of dudes hanging out in the woods, and they play practical jokes on a sleeping Bigfoot. They pull the old hand in the warm water to make the person wet himself, which is always a classic. My favorite is the shaving cream gag. The best part is an irate, shaving cream-covered Sasquatch smacking one of the pranksters across the screen at the end of the ad.
I do, however, have a problem with one of the spots. Sasquatch is making himself dinner, and they unscrew his salt shaker so he dumps a ton onto what is some small, roasting animal. Do you really think the Yeti would be using a salt shaker? I mean, he can't just go into Denny's and steal one like a normal person, so how would he get it? I don't think there's a Bed Bath & Beyond anywhere in the wilderness, and he certainly has no means of ordering one by mail. I'm not bothered by the idea of a bunch of jackasses playing practical jokes on Bigfoot -- this seems completely reasonable. How he would get a salt shaker ... this is completely outlandish. Also, why is making Sasquatch wet himself supposed to make me want to buy beef jerky?
I feel the need to mention that when I looked up these commercials on YouTube there was a clip of somebody wearing a gorilla suit and beating on of their friends with a piece of beef jerky. The clip is titled "beej [sic] jerky fight with gorilla suit". I guess you can't expect people this dumb to be able to spell beef.
That's about if for this week; if you've got some time you should check out some "Legends of the Hidden Temple" action on YouTube. My money is on the Blue Barracudas.
Eric's column runs biweekly on Tuesdays. He can be reached at ast@cavalierdaily.com.
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