They say to write what you know. I know words. Hence the following campaign speech, which explains my platform as a candidate for the next U.S. presidency, will consist largely of words.
I propose we cut the national defense bill in half. Then we should dedicate one of the halves to "defense spending" and the other half to "defense expenditures." We should also rename the education bill the "education/ missile-aneous defense costs bill."
Actually, that's stupid. I have a better idea: We cut the national defense bill in half. One half stays in defense and the other half goes toward offense. It's time we as a country move ahead and put some taxpayer dollars into a strong offense bill. For decades we've been playing only one side of the game. True, that's still better than what the University's current football team does. But the University's current football team didn't almost lose a cold war, now did it? ... Really? 34-7? When did Soviet Russia join the ACC?
My critics argue that I have submitted no resolute stance on the abortion issue. Am I pro-life or pro-choice? I answer that question thusly: There's an old saying that inside every adult is a child waiting to break free. If this is true, then I ask you: What makes pregnant women so special? Now I don't know exactly what this has to do with, well, anything. But one thing I'm sure of -- neither do my critics.
Illiteracy continues to plague our youth. More and more children are unable to learn because they cannot read. It is a shame, but to blame our teachers and school systems is reckless. Clearly our language has become too complex, and that is the real culprit at work. I hereby announce what will be my first executive order: An all-out ban on prepositions, passive voice constructions, words with more than six letters and the strict subject-verb agreement that has long ruled English grammar. These is the only way help some kids.
Life insurance: Can't live with it; can't die without it. Insurers have always overlooked the reality that certain lives are simply more valuable than others. But why should a lonely, pathetic shell of a person have to pay as much for life insurance as somebody who reaps the joys of a vivacious lifestyle? With this consideration in mind, I propose an overhaul of the system. If you can show empirically that your life is fruitless and boring, you will be treated to a hefty discount on insurance.
Gas prices have been through the roof. I have thought long and hard about this current crisis, and there is, to my mind, only one failsafe solution to the problem. We must raise the roof. Think about it: If gas prices are through the roof, and we can't seem to do anything about gas prices, then adjusting the roof somehow is by default our only available course of action. The details I will work out later, after I'm elected.
If you're like most human beings on Earth, you're probably extremely panicked about the trend of global warming. Unlike many of the other candidates, however, I have actually taken the time to research this phenomenon extensively. After assembling a team of prominent environmental scientists and some dude who was wearing a tie-dye shirt, I set out over the past year to uncover the truths behind global warming.
The data were truly scary, indicating a distinct temperature rise over the course of the time period studied. Especially alarming was that, during the brief six-month span from March 2006 to August 2006, there were dramatic increases in daily average temperatures in virtually all recorded areas. In some regions, we saw temperatures go up by as much as 35, 40 degrees Fahrenheit. My opponents have put forward the lousy excuse that this climatic shift was due to the "changing of the seasons." Next they'll tell us that the reason the days are getting shorter is because of some magical celestial force. Anyway, if anyone wants to see some scatter plots regarding the global warming crisis, come on over to my house this weekend for a barbecue followed by some drag racing.
Finally, a lot of people have questioned the integrity of my running mate, Mr. Gus Burger. They claim he's not a healthy choice, he has too many calories, the Cyclops Burger tastes better -- some have gone so far as to say that Gus Burger isn't even a person, but rather a food product sold locally in Charlottesville, Va. So what? I think a beefed-up administration is exactly what America needs. Vote Dooley-Burger in 2008.
Dan's column runs each Wednesday. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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