I'm sure I can speak for everyone when I say the lovely fireworks celebration last Friday that kicked off the Capital Campaign inspired love and respect in all of our hearts for the beauty and tradition of our fine University. It also made me wonder what actual modifications are going to be made with all this money we're supposed to raise. And all this talk of improving and remodeling the University got me thinking of what improvements I would make, both architecturally and otherwise, to make things a little cooler around here. Nothing big, mind you, just some minor $3 billion alterations that I believe would improve everyone's college experience.
Firstly, I propose we fill the Rotunda halfway to its hallowed domed ceiling with multi-colored plastic balls. In between classes, students could relieve stress by jumping and frolicking in our historic landmark that would also serve as a ball pit. Of course, there would have to be a diving board constructed to facilitate said frolicking. Frankly, I think this is how Jefferson would have wanted the Rotunda to be enjoyed, had plastic existed in the late 18th century.
Secondly, I think it would be a lot easier to streak the Lawn if we installed a moving walkway like they have in airports starting from the Rotunda steps to the Homer statue. Obviously we'd have to speed it up a little to avoid giving onlookers a free show, but it would make it a lot less awkward for the slow kids to participate in this tradition. Also, it would negate any danger of tripping naked. Maybe we could even have lockers installed on the side of the Lawn in which to store clothes for theft prevention.
In terms of classroom improvements, I propose that every desk should have an eject mechanism built into the chair. This would serve to shoot the know-it-all who exists in everyone's discussion section out of the nearest window. For those that think this solution may be too harsh, I have a more humane option to eliminate meaningless overachiever blather. I suggest each student and/or TA should be issued a remote that, when aimed at obnoxious discussion participator, will emit white noise that blocks out any of their irrelevant, pompous musings. Also, we could employ either option in libraries for people who talk on their cell phones or for those who whisper loudly during large lectures.
Speaking of solutions to everyday annoyances, if each of us were given an extra-large fly swatter, we could use it to avoid people handing out flyers on the Lawn or for taking out the people who walk slowly in front of us on the way to class.
In terms of new building plans, I think a building should be constructed on central Grounds with numerous beds, used only for students to take naps between classes. This would save us all the embarrassment of falling asleep in the library or class and waking up, confused and drooling, in a public place.
Another improvement I'd make is to have a petting zoo constructed somewhere on Grounds. And the lab rats in Gilmer don't count. If we had a petting zoo, we could play with dogs and cats and maybe a llama or two so we'd miss our animal friends at home a little less.
Also, I would change the name of C3, Convenience to the Third Power, to something that makes sense. Doesn't anyone else wonder why it's convenience to the third power? Why not convenience squared or convenience to the fourth power? This brings me to the dining halls. My main modification would be to improve the distribution of salad dressing. You know how, whenever you pick up the dressing bottles, ranch or something else inevitably smears all over your sleeve, causing you to smell like salad for the rest of the day? Well, if I were in charge of reform, I would propose less cramped salad bar lines so that dressing stains would cease.
Finally, as part of my own plan to use the money we raise, I think that Life columnists should be paid a $1 million dollars. It's a small sum, considering the worth of our collective talent that we could be using to write midterm papers rather then slaving away for the student body's personal enjoyment, only to be read haphazardly after finishing the crossword and Sudoku.
So as you can see, my aims are solely based on improving our livelihoods here at the University. If any members of the administration wish to consult me or use one of my ideas, go ahead. But I'll still be waiting for my million.
Mary's column runs bi-weekly on Wednesdays. She can be reached at mbaroch@cavalierdaily.com.
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