Happy Halloween. I can't run a column on Halloween without saying a few words about everybody's favorite non-holiday. Here we go: candy, candy, girls in skanky outfits, guys in clever outfits, humorous anecdote about something that happened over the weekend, more candy (read: alcohol), that person in the costume that required way too much thought for a disappointing payoff, some more candy (actual candy this time), some sort of night-ending resolution. Well, that pretty much covers whatever anybody could write about Halloween, and in under 100 words. We now return to your regularly scheduled rambling.
You know it is laundry day when the words "Man, the microwave didn't dry my underwear, it just made it scalding hot" escape your mouth. I never said I was smart.
I got a haircut last week and overall it was a solid experience. I feel like I am a fairly easy customer, considering my only statement was "I'm happy as long as I don't end up with random hairless patches on my head."
I did run into a couple of issues on my visit to the Hair Cuttery though. First of all, I don't think you could pick a worse candy than Dum Dum lollipops as the treat of choice for a place where the air is more floating hair than oxygen. Sure, a delicious root beer-flavored ball of sugar sounds good until you're sitting in an adult booster chair wearing a giant cape and you've got hair all over your face. You know what you shouldn't eat when you have hair on your face -- anything sticky. Remember that, I promise it will come in handy some day.
My only other complaint is with regard to how they always push some weird hair care product on you when you're in the vulnerable "you're shampooing my head and I think my neck it about to snap in half" position.
"Yes, well, this product is infused with rosemary and mint extracts, along with the tears of a Siberian Tiger for a little extra body, and some lemon zest! Don't worry, they are tiger tears of joy, and we didn't do any animal testing with this product. Except of course to test what makes tigers cry joyfully, and believe it or not, it's the final scene in 'Rudy'!"
My initial thought is always, "I'll buy anything, as long as you don't make this uncomfortable misshapen sink my final resting place." After that, all I can ever think is somethiang along the lines of:
"Lady, you currently have your hands in my hair and you can't tell I think about what kind of shampoo I use about as much as I consider the ramifications of free-trade coffee on the social well-being of Kazakhstani immigrants?"
I do have to admit that the mint extract really did leave me with a pleasant, tingly sensation. It felt like my scalp was high. If I ever went back to that place and got a bottle I think it would hold me over for a week, maybe two. Then I'd have to start shampooing three, four times a day just to get the same fix. Next thing you know I'm selling my plasma just to get the next "scalp high." I've seen it happen a thousand times. What a slippery slope.
I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure the average life expectancy for a Charlottesville resident has fallen precipitously over the past couple of months. I know this because I just ate two Raising Cane's combo meals and destroyed any possibility that I see the year 2050. When I couple how I feel right now with how crowded that place always is, I'm pretty sure there is not a chicken-loving Charlottesville resident who is going to live past 50. I don't know what they put in that Cane's sauce, but it definitely causes humans to go into goldfish "just keep on eating until you die" mode. If they ever decided to add Cane's sauce to the list of ingredients in the mint-infused, parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme shampoo I just might be the first person to ever die of excess shampoo consumption.
Eric's column runs bi-weekly on Tuesdays. He can be reached at ast@cavalierdaily.com.
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