It's elementary school all over again with this "choose your own adventure"-style column. Please do not read this column from start to finish. Go to paragraph (1) to begin!
(1) It's Wednesday afternoon, and you're in class with your newspaper by your side. Go to (6) to put the paper away and try to pay attention or (10) to read this column.
(2) That test sucked ... maybe the teacher will curve it. Everyone walks out saying how poorly they did, but maybe they're the people who say they do poorly on every test and then score 20 points above the average. Or, maybe that's you. Either way, go to (4) to go home and surf the Internet or (14) to go to the gym.
(3) It's Friday now, and after not learning anything useful Wednesday, you're not prepared for your test Monday. Go to (5) to go to a party or (7) to stay in and study.
(4) Time for Facebook and AIM. Hours pass in what feel like minutes. Night time sets in, and you wonder what happened to your day. You notice that your love handles are kinda sticking out. You feel flabby and unattractive. Go to (13).
(5) You go out and have a blast! This is what college is all about! Seeing so many attractive members of the opposite sex reminds you how sexually frustrated you are, however. As the night winds down and your sobriety returns, you remember the work and studying you have looming for Monday. People who stayed in must have gotten so much work done. You wish you'd stayed in as well. Go to (11).
(6) Gosh, lectures are so much more boring than newspapers. You fall asleep with this thought in your head. Nice try, but paying attention won't pay off this time. After class, you go home and eat half a box of Cheez-Its while you read the paper. Go to (3).
(7) Halfway into your first chapter of reading, you notice your roommate's "Lost" DVD collection lying around. You wind up watching episodes alone until 3 a.m. You'd watch with a friend, but everyone is out partying. You wish you'd gone out as well. Go to (11).
(8) You spend all night studying and get to bed way too late. At least you know your stuff ... You wake up the next morning to the sound of your alarm. Go to (2).
(9) You start your work around midnight and get to bed way, way too late ... You open up your eyes the next morning. You slept through your alarm but can still make your test if you leave right away. Looks like your morning shower will come in a bottle of Axe today. Go to (2).
(10) You read my column! I'm flattered. You also did Sudoku, the crossword puzzle and read the opinion section, however. So much for class. Go to (12) to eat lunch at Newcomb or (15) to buy groceries yourself.
(11)It's Sunday evening, and you still have so much to do before tomorrow morning. Go to (9) to watch Sunday Night Football (or, if you are a girl, "Desperate Housewives") or (8) to start studying right away.
(12) Finally, you're using your meal plan. Maybe your friends won't come asking you for free swipes every day for the last two weeks of the semester. You eat a hamburger and some fries. You don't feel that unhealthy because, after all, you're pretty sure potatoes are vegetables. Go to (3).
(13) It's Wednesday morning now. Go to (1) to get the paper before you go to class, or (16) to go straight to class.
(14) Going to the gym makes you realize how you don't go the gym enough. It seems like everyone around you is in better shape than you are. You break a sweat and then go home. You feel flabby and unattractive. Go to (13).
(15) You walk to your car to drive to Kroger. You find a ticket -- apparently you're parked on a yellow curb. This officially makes parking tickets your greatest expense at the University, exceeding the costs of both tuition and room and board. After driving for an hour to go three miles in rush hour traffic, you arrive at Kroger and do your shopping. Go to (3).
(16) You've won! Without The Cavalier Daily to distract you, you're finally able to pay attention in class. This triggers a domino effect, as your free time increases and stress decreases. You ace all your classes, find the job of your dreams and marry happily after college. Unfortunately, the mere act of you reading these words effectively guarantees that this won't happen to you in real life. Oh well, see you in two weeks for the same routine.
Daniel's column runs bi-weekly on Wednesdays. He can be reached at mcnally@cavalierdaily.com.
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