So I was rummaging in my fan-mail bag this morning, and I happened to stumble upon a rather derogatory letter by a student named "Dan." Now, this wasn't my first hate letter -- far from it. In fact, I receive at least two letters a week from PETA attacking me for the number of animals slaughtered during the writing of my piece. And I always reply with the same answer: "The cows deserved it. Get off my back." Then there are the numerous love letters, with their rather vulgar suggestions and vivid pictures fulfilling those vulgar and vivid suggestions. For the sake of decency and chivalry, I do my best to respond to these as quickly as possible.
But this Dan kid writes to me and says, "Chris, you're not funny. My dead puppy is funnier than you. And he's not even funny. I mean, he's dead, you idiot. How funny can a dead puppy be? The answer: not funny at all. And you're even less funny than that. I'm going to go slap myself now, because that's funner than reading your stuff. Bye, Dan."
Yes, you're probably as shocked and offended as I am right now. You would think by now he would know that "funner" is not a word! You know what I wanted to say to him? I wanted to look at this boy face-to-face and, in an intimidating way, tell him he has less-than-adequate grammar skills. Maybe that would teach him not to mess with me again. I have received lots of criticism in my life. Hell, my middle name might as well be "I have received lots of criticism in my life." This beats my real middle name, Chloe, which I have spent long and arduous years compensating for by body building and storing up fart jokes. Anyway, my first real criticism came from my high school soccer coach, who approached me during a game and said:
Coach: Chris, you're off the team.
Me: But why?
Coach: You just scored for the other team.
Me: Come on, Coach, that's a simple mistake. It could happen to anyone.
Coach: Then you put on their jersey and cheered with them.
Me: Again, an innocent oversight.
Coach: Now you're peeing on my leg.
While his criticism was not easy for me to accept, I've learned much from the experience. One, do not urinate on someone's leg. People tend to get mad and beat you with the metal part of clipboards. Two, even if one person out there doesn't like you, there are people out there who do appreciate you. For instance, the other team's coach hugged me and bought me a trophy that said "most valuable player on the other team." Talk about feeling special.
Even our famed founder Thomas Jefferson received lots of criticism from his peers. "Tommy," the other colonists would shout, "William and Mary? Dude, you wrote the frickin' Declaration of Independence and you didn't go to an Ivy League school? What the hell is that about?" Then they would heckle and peer pressure him into drinking a 40 and starting a revolutionary war. But my point is that criticism is a very important part of everybody's life, since it is so hard to see ourselves objectively.
Such feedback is also very important with writing. Thomas Paine, for instance, originally titled "Common Sense" -- his famed bestseller -- "Street Smartz," and he did not change it until his good friend Ben Franklin -- the famous inventor of the bifocals and Busch's Baked Beans secret recipe -- told him his title quote unquote "sucked the big one."
Personally, my editors are very vital in my writing too, for occasionally I will write something I think is so hilarious that when I think of it a week later, no matter where I am, in a classroom or a vigil, I will break down in uncontrollable tears and have to be removed via a stretcher. Often, though, my editors will read this same joke with parched lips and look at me as if they had just read about some genocide in the Middle East. "Chris," they will say politely, "this sucks the big one."
And although I don't agree with them, because murder is still illegal in this state, I am forced to chop up my article. This is (understandably) difficult for me to accept, so I usually respond by peeing on their leg. And if I time it right, they never see it coming.
Chris's column runs bi-weekly on Mondays. He can be reached at shuptrine@cavalierdaily.com.
Read More
It’s okay not to be okay
By Mai Hukuoka | 4 days agoWhether talking to a friend, a loved one or a professional, it is so necessary, and human, to need more than you can provide for yourself.
Taking a break at Tangerines Kitchen
By Charley Thomas | 5 days agoWhat the restaurant somewhat lacks in ambiance, it compensates for in tasty dishes and prompt service.
Virginia Policy Lab — a hub for student-led policy action
By Katherine Haden | December 9, 2024Students propose their own projects and collaborate with other members to research their issues of interest, brainstorm solutions and write policy proposals.
