Sorry, George Allen. It was too easy.
Moving on, I think it's a good time to talk about today's political issues. You know, the big topics -- terrorism, nuclear nonproliferation and why Anheuser-Busch makes kegs of Natty Ice. Just kidding. But seriously, that stuff is putrid.
The most pressing issue for Virginians today is certainly the United States Senate showdown between George Allen and Jim Webb, Jr. This race in a tight election year should be called "Virginia 2K6: Either way, you lose." Here's a breakdown:
George Allen: The freshman Virginia senator and recently acknowledged part-time Jew is known for his cowboy boots, Southern charm and obscure ethnic epithets. This University graduate has brought Virginia and the United States many benefits over the past six years. His promise to Virginians in 2000 of "a car in every garage, a dollar in every pocket and a noose in every law office" has been widely trumpeted in most political circles as "on a good day, weird."
My verdict: Allen is a great politician. He tells people exactly what they want to hear, and he brushes off criticisms just as well as he makes fun of minorities -- which, as we all know, is quite well. He is not a horrendous senator, but he's nothing to write home about, either. Let us examine his competition.
Jim Webb, Jr.: This former secretary of the Navy is known for his combat boots, complete lack of issue stances and a penchant for writing novels worse than "Mein Kampf" and Paris Hilton's autobiography combined. I kid, of course -- Paris' book is pretty good. Webb is the Democrats' best chance of riding the coattails of Mark Warner and Tim Kaine's moderate momentum and gaining a national legislative seat. Unfortunately, he's no Mark Warner. Turns out, he's not even Paris Hilton.
My verdict: Jim Webb certainly has the best shot that Virginia Democrats have of mobilizing the party base before 2008. However, banking on Webb to do the job -- the same guy who wrote the script for that movie "Battlefield Earth" -- might not be a good idea. I kid, of course. Webb didn't write that script. I just wanted an excuse to make fun of Scientology.
Stepping outside of Virginia, another pressing issue for politics is North Korea, which claimed that it successfully detonated a nuke last week. Noted dictator-for-life Kim Jong-Il may or may not have The Bomb, but this is the same guy who claims that his birth was foretold by a swallow and lollipops and unicorns rained from the sky. Naturally, we should take everything he says with a certain grain of salt. State-issued salt, that is. In any case, the notion of a nuclear-armed North Korea is about as good as the notion of former Rep. Mark Foley being in charge of the Vienna Boys' Choir.
Speaking of former Rep. Mark Foley, this kind of scandal is a columnist's dream. After an unbelievably inappropriate IM conversation with an underage male page was released to the public, Foley resigned, citing alcoholism and abuse as in his childhood as mitigating factors. In recent days, reports have come out that say Foley did not limit himself to just one young man. Apparently, Foley had more inappropriate correspondences with young men than Michael Moore's cheeseburger-eating record (which is also outrageously high). Foley made the right move by quitting -- Republicans have their plate full as is. Almost as full as Michael Moore's plate.
So what are young concerned citizens supposed to do in times of crises like this? Same thing we do every November. We go and vote anyway. But why can't there ever be good politicians? Why do public servants always end up serving themselves? No easy answers, for sure. We have to stand up for what we believe in. So, Virginia, you have a choice this fall: racism or ineptitude. Just make sure you make a check mark next to "macaca" on your voter registration card.
Brendan's column runs bi-weekly on Mondays. He can be reached at collins@cavalierdaily.com.
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