For some reason I've been getting a buttload of letters from various University celebrities the past few weeks. I don't know how they got my address. They might have read my column and looked me up on Facebook, but that's about as likely as Al Groh keeping his job next year. Yes, I realize it's too soon to make that joke. I did it anyway.
These letters, coupled with my responses, make great column fodder. Since I'm such a nice guy I've decided put them here for your enjoyment.(Disclaimer for those of you with no sense of humor that you are aware of: These letters are all made up. I mean, they could happen). So enjoy:
Dear Brendan,
Honestly, what's the deal with all these incredibly obscure illnesses plaguing the University? Who the heck gets mumps anymore? And E. coli? What's next, scurvy? Shingles? Consumption? Scabies? As always, Brendan, I leave the solution to the University's health problems for you to solve.
Sincerely,
Patricia Lampkin
Vice President for Student Affairs
Dear Pat,
I feel your pain. Not the pain of shingles, but pain nonetheless. As I see it, the problem lies in the University's unique practice of hiring pirates as teaching assistants. My guess -- if you quit paying people plagued with diseases normally reserved for 18th century British sailors, you should be good to go.
Dear Brendan,
I think I'm getting Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in my hands from swiping too many student ID cards. I just don't get it. I mean, don't first years want to see my acrobatic swiping techniques? Don't they want to see 15 cards swiped at once? Why, Brendan? Why?
Love,
O-Hill Dean
Dearest Dean,
My sole suggestion to you would be to take a page out of Kathy from Newcomb's book. She's efficient and quick, and people love her too. The difference between you and her is that she showers each student with the kind of love not seen since that time Michael Jackson invited me to his theme park. Here's the trick: Kids would much rather be indiscriminately praised than have their card swiped behind your back. People would probably love to hear you greet them with compliments at random too, but you might want to trim that ponytail first.
To Whom It May Concern:
My life has been most dreary since the tyrants at the witchcraftery known as "Facebook" have cancelled my account. Verily, the woe that consumes my very being is almost beyond comprehension. I implore you, Mr. Collins, to aid me in my time of need.
Yours respectfully and affectionately,
Edgar Allan Poe
Mr. Poe,
You impress me on two fronts. First, you somehow rose from the dead to join a race of computer-literate zombies. Second, you had the wherewithal and the gumption to posthumously create a Facebook account. Unfortunately, there's not much I can do for you in terms of getting your account back. Apparently, "fake" profiles were "against the mission of Facebook." To ease your pain, you could write a horror story where Mark Zuckerberg gets eaten alive by weasels or something.
Mr. Collins,
Answer me this: Why does the American public not understand what a bad guy George Allen is? I mean, when I was here his room was like Robert E. Lee's wet dream. He was such a jerk to me in college -- all those "four-eyes" comments and swirlies ... I digress. It's time for payback. Please help me out.
Sincerely,
Professor Larry J. Sabato
Prof. Sabato,
Don't be such a macaca. There's no way of knowing whether George Allen is a bigot or not. It's your highly-respected word against his. Still, something about the fact that he had a noose in his 1980s law office just rubs me the wrong way. The racist way. You might just be right, Larry. Myself and other macacans will be spreading the word this fall.
Dear Brendan,
Love me?
John T. Casteen, III
President Casteen,
You've got a lot going for you: a beautiful family, a slew of buildings soon to be named for you, and you're probably in the Seven Society. You don't need my love until you can start loving yourself, or until you fire Al Groh.
Love,
Brendan
Brendan's column runs bi-weekly on Mondays. He can be reached at collins@cavalierdaily.com.
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